Depression Is...

Depression is the voice that yells at me,

“YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

You never will be.”

Oddly, that voice sounds like my stepfather.

Depression is my master cracking his whip on my back,

day after day after day,

reminding me that I am his slave,

forever bound to him.

Depression is a tinted window

that lets me see everyone else clearly

but prevents anyone else from seeing

what really happens inside me.

Depression is telling my mom

that I need help

and she just brushes it off as mood swings,

as a teenage girl thing.

Depression is not only the weight of my world,

but the weight of 7 billion people’s worlds

all on my shoulder.

And no one notices.

They just ask,

“Why do you always slouch like that?”

Depression is a shadow,

that dark friend that follows me everywhere,

and always finds a way back to me,

even after I think I’ve shaken him.

Depression is a smile

pasted on my face

that doesn’t quite reach my eyes,

or my heart for that matter.

Depression is the rock

and the hard place

and I am stuck.

But every now and then, that depression lessens.

Every now and then, the smile is real.

Sometimes, I successfully shake that shadow.

Eventually, the rock becomes a mountain that I have climbed by myself.

Every now and then, life reminds me that I am needed,

that I am loved,

that there are reasons to keep fighting.

The every now and then-- those are the days I live for.

 

photos via: Pexel