My Immune System is Eating My Thyroid, Amidst Other Things I Worry About

There are a plethora of things that normal twenty-two year olds worry about on a day-to-day basis. So much flows through our heads! Side hustles and internships, keeping your GPA higher than Snoop Dog, is there a sale at DSW because last year’s Chicago winter ate my boots, how is it already week six of Autumn Quarter (EXCUSE ME?), Ukrainians are getting Trump impeached (and I have never been more proud of my heritage), is Feminist Grandpa (Bernie) okay because he had a small heart attack and that was SO SCARY…

 (when the Grim Reaper showed up at Bernie’s)

In addition to this cranial running commentary, I’m also cautiously curiously spazzing about my thyroid. The weird butterfly thing in my neck is slowly getting chomped away by my immune system, and I am trying to keep it alive for as long as possible. 

Hashimoto’s Disease is an autoimmune condition where your body forgets that your thyroid gland is a nice buddy to have. 

(What Hashimoto’s feels like)

Something that accelerates the process of my thyroid’s imminent demise is gluten, which is a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye. It causes an inflammatory response for my immune system (fancy way of saying that it irritates my thyroid). 

For me to eat most breads, pastas, and pierogis is akin to me pouring gasoline on a slow-burning fire. Or dropping mentos in a Coca-Cola bottle. Therefore, I am now a Gluten Free Gal, otherwise known as a Bread Free B*tch. 

Thankfully, hipsters love gluten free items for absolutely no valid reason other than “this GF bread matches my anti-establishment aesthetic”, and we all know that hipster trends are what truly drives this economy, so I think I am going to be okay. 

(Poor Lady Edith. She just cannot catch a break!)

To help anyone out there who is looking to become a GFG and/or BFB for whatever reason, I have comprised the following starter pack. 

-Ordering a burrito bowl at Chipotle (guaranteed to be GF)

-95% of Latin American cuisine -- just ask for a corn, not flour, tortilla

-Asking Homeslice for GF crust

-Eating oatmeal for breakfast, like Goldilocks

-Asking Mama to make you Holubtsi - Ukrainian stuffed cabbage - because there is no authentic Holubtsi recipe on this planet that will ever have gluten

-Drinking turmeric tea - it’s super yummy, and is naturally anti inflammatory. If for some ungodly reason you despise the taste, turmeric is also available in vitamin form   

-When your boss tells you that she loves baking in the winter, and will make gluten free sweets so that you too can dance merrily in the new old-fashioned way