How This Powerful Book Challenges Everything You Know About Happiness, Approval, and Self-Worth
Have you ever felt like you were stuck in life, unable to break free from your past or the expectations of others? Have you ever worried too much about what people think of you? If so, The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga might be the book you need.
This book, written as a dialogue between a young, frustrated man and an older, wise philosopher, is based on the principles of Adlerian psychology. Unlike Freudian psychology, which suggests that our past experiences and traumas shape who we are, Adlerian psychology argues that we are not determined by our past; we are free to change at any moment. This idea alone is enough to challenge everything we’ve been conditioned to believe. But the book doesn’t stop there. It also teaches us how to let go of the need for approval, separate our tasks from those of others, and ultimately find happiness by living authentically.
Reading this book is like having a deep, eye-opening conversation that forces you to confront some uncomfortable truths about yourself. But if you take its lessons to heart, it can be life-changing. Let’s dive into some of its most powerful ideas.
1. Your Past Does Not Define You
One of the boldest claims in the book is that your past experiences, no matter how difficult, do not determine who you are today.
This idea is a direct challenge to what many of us believe. We often think that because we’ve had bad experiences—childhood trauma, failures, heartbreaks—we are bound to carry that baggage forever. However, the philosopher in the book argues that our past only matters if we let it define us.
I remember struggling with this idea when I first read the book. For years, I had blamed certain setbacks on things that happened to me as a child—growing up in a strict household, dealing with rejection, and feeling like I wasn’t enough. I used these experiences to explain my self-doubt, hesitation in taking risks, and fear of failure.
But then I had an epiphany: my past wasn’t holding me back —I was holding onto my past. The moment I started reframing my story, I realized I was free to change. It wasn’t easy, but shifting my mindset made me feel like I was in control for the first time in years.
This idea is both empowering and terrifying. It means we no longer have excuses—but it also means we have the power to rewrite our story.
🔗 Related Reading:
- A Deeper Look at Adlerian Psychology – A scholarly article exploring Adler’s theories.
- Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl – A powerful book on overcoming suffering through personal responsibility.
2. The Freedom of Not Needing Approval
One of the biggest reasons we suffer is that we care too much about what others think of us.
We want to be liked. We want to be respected. We want validation. And because of this, we often shape our actions, careers, relationships, and even personalities around gaining approval. But in doing so, we lose ourselves.
I’ll never forget a time in my early career when I worked in a corporate job that didn’t align with my passions. I stayed in that job much longer than I should have—not because I loved it, but because I was afraid of disappointing my family and peers. I worried that people would think I was making a mistake if I left.
Then, I read this book, and it hit me hard: I was living for their approval, not for my happiness. When I finally quit to pursue something I was truly passionate about, some people questioned my decision—but for the first time, I didn’t care. The freedom of living on my terms far outweighed the temporary discomfort of being misunderstood.
Imagine how much lighter life would feel if you stopped seeking approval and made decisions based on your values, rather than worrying about judgment. The truth is, no matter how hard we try, we can never make everyone happy. So why not focus on making ourselves happy first?
🔗 Related READING
- The Psychological Effects of Social Approval – A research paper on how seeking approval impacts mental well-being.
- Daring Greatly by Brené Brown – A fantastic book on vulnerability and the courage to live authentically.
3. Separation of Tasks: Knowing What’s Yours and What’s Not
One of the most practical ideas in the book is the concept of “separation of tasks.”
Many of our struggles come from trying to control things that aren’t our responsibility. We take on other people’s emotions, opinions, and problems as if they’re ours to fix. But they’re not.
For example:
- If someone dislikes you, that is their problem, not yours.
- If your parents disapprove of your career choice, that is their expectation, not your obligation.
- If a friend refuses to take care of themselves despite your advice, that is their choice, not your failure.
This lesson hit home for me when I found myself constantly drained in a friendship where I was always the emotional support system. No matter how much advice or encouragement I gave, this person refused to take action to improve their life. I felt guilty as if their struggles were somehow my responsibility.
But the book made me realize something: I can offer support, but I can’t live someone else’s life for them. Their happiness was their task, not mine. Once I accepted that, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders.
We suffer when we mix up our tasks with those of others. The key is learning to ask: “Is this my task, or someone else’s?” If it’s not yours, let it go.
🔗 Related Reading:
- The Effects of Personal Boundaries on Mental Health – A study on how setting boundaries improves well-being.
4. Happiness is a Choice—And It’s in Contribution
So, if happiness doesn’t come from approval, success, or the past, where does it come from?
According to the book, happiness is found in contribution.
Rather than seeking validation, we should focus on how we can be useful to others and make a difference in our way. This doesn’t mean we have to be self-sacrificing or put others above ourselves. Instead, it means shifting our mindset from “What can I get?” to “What can I give?”
Think about the times you’ve felt truly fulfilled. Chances are, they involved contributing to something bigger than yourself, helping a friend, creating something meaningful, or making a difference in someone’s life. When we focus on contribution, we stop obsessing over whether we’re “good enough” or “liked enough.” Instead, we focus on doing, on giving, on living. And in doing so, we naturally find a sense of purpose.
Think about the times you’ve felt truly fulfilled. Chances are, they involved contributing to something bigger than yourself, helping a friend, creating something meaningful, or making a difference in someone’s life. When we focus on contribution, we stop obsessing over whether we’re “good enough” or “liked enough.”
Key Takeaways
✔ Your past does not define you – You are free to choose a new path, no matter where you’ve come from.
✔ Approval is unnecessary for happiness – Living authentically is more important than pleasing everyone.
✔ Separate your tasks from others’ – Focus on what you can control and let go of what’s not yours.
✔ Happiness is found in contribution – Giving, not seeking validation, leads to lasting fulfillment.
The courage to be disliked isn’t just a book—it’s a challenge.
It challenges us to take responsibility for our happiness. It challenges us to let go of the past, the need for approval, and the burdens that don’t belong to us. And most importantly, it challenges us to have the courage to live life in a way that feels authentic, even if it means not everyone will like us.
These ideas aren’t easy to accept, but they are freeing. Imagine living without fear of judgment. Imagine making decisions based purely on what you value. Imagine waking up every day knowing that you, not your past, not other people, get to define your life.
That is the courage this book asks of us. And if we embrace it, we might find the happiness and freedom we’ve been looking for all along.