No one who knew me was surprised when I said I was going to become a Spanish teacher. Spanish was my best class, after all, and I liked school in the way that kids who are good at school like it. My Spanish teachers were adults who got to speak Spanish every day and I wanted to be like them.
I declared a Spanish major and a psychology minor in college. I always had the goal of being a teacher in the back of my mind, but I wanted the opportunity to do other things like the dance team and spend a semester abroad. The following year, I got my teaching license and embraced how much I loved being a leader, being a mentor, and how much I loved working with kids.
In 2019, three significant things happened. One, I was let go from a teaching position that I loved. In Colorado, principals are not legally required to inform a probationary teacher (a teacher with less than three years of experience in the district) why they are not renewing their contract, so I never got any closure on that. It was devastating to my confidence and my perspective. I accepted a new position, but I never got my feet back under me. I never felt like I was successful and I had totally lost my spark. The second thing was that I developed anxiety around my job. I had daily panic attacks, was constantly physically ill, and I wasn’t an effective teacher. This led to the third thing, when I had to think about leaving and what on Earth I was going to do next.
I applied to several graduate schools and right when COVID-19 was first interrupting the flow of our lives, I accepted a spot in the Masters of Linguistics program at the University of Colorado Boulder. Deciding to leave teaching, a career that I loved for a decade, was the hardest thing I have ever done. It felt like giving up. It tasted like failure and disappointment. I even faced backlash from people in my life who didn’t think I was making the right decision. But I knew deep down that I could not regain the happiness I had lost. The things that I loved about teaching kids could be found in other places where I wouldn’t have to face issues like underfunded districts, critical parents, cruel administrators, and the unending amount of emotional labor. There were too many things that I couldn’t help my students with, like having potable water in their building, and it was too heavy a weight for me to carry any longer. I had to at least try to move on.
I still have two and a half semesters left in my program and, no, I don’t know yet what job I’m going to have when I graduate. However, I am bolstered by the knowledge that I found the thing that makes my brain spin in a positive way, something that I wake up in the morning excited to learn more about, and how I can contribute to the world. One of my professors has used research like what I am working on to help 9-1-1 dispatchers and doctors in their interactions with people who need help. Maybe someday I will be the person doing research that helps others, and it won’t come at the cost of panic attacks and never feeling good enough. My old career was important in so many ways, but it wasn’t right for me. I needed to follow the cues and make my exit even though it was painful so that I could pursue something that is important in a different way.
To anyone who is dissatisfied with their job, please know that you are not alone. If you are having the same feelings of anxiety and sadness that I described, please don’t stick around because you think that you have to. I know from experience that it’s not worth it. No job is worth your mental health. Taking steps away from your career can feel really scary and overwhelming, but know that you can make it through the transition. It’s crucial to have supportive people in your corner to help you with your plans and your morale but, in the end, we only get one life and you shouldn’t settle for being unhappy.