“We accept the love we think we deserve.” Right? Short answer: yes. But the question I’m more curious about is, why? Why do we settle for less than what we deserve and why do we stay even when things get unbearably bad?
Unfortunately, I’m someone who places a lot of stock in what men think of me. When they look at me and talk to one of my friends instead, I notice. When they talk to me and then decide they want nothing to do with me, I notice. Whenever little instances like that occur — it shatters me. It shatters my self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance. I can preach day in and day out to “love yourself” because “the only person who is fully going to love you is you.” The issue isn’t that I don’t know that, but I tend to forget when in the presence of a man.
Recently, I went to a party and ended up talking to a guy for an hour. The chemistry was there, the flirting was there, the fantasies were there — everything was all there. We were chatting, exchanged numbers and social media, and I thought it was all going really well. I thought it could potentially develop into something.
I was wrong.
The worst part isn’t that I’m disappointed over the fact that he ghosted me, but that my insecurities are at an all time high and my self-esteem is at an all time low. I can’t help but wonder that maybe he looked at me for too long, and then decided that he didn’t want me anymore. Was I just cute for the night and then an afterthought in the morning? Was he just waiting for an excuse to stop talking to me? Maybe it’s just me.
I’ve never had a romantic relationship in my entire life and throughout high school that fact never really bothered me. However, it’s recently made me spiral into thinking that I’m the reason as to why I haven’t been in a relationship. Is it my appearance? Is it my personality? Is it everything about me? Some days I think I’m pretty cool and I’m okay with waiting for the right person, and other days I think that maybe things would be different if I changed everything about myself. I sometimes think it would be easier if I were more agreeable, more sexual, quieter, or prettier.
This vicious cycle happens every single time. I build up my confidence and self-acceptance to reach a point where I’m very sure of myself — and I even like myself. So I’m at my peak of self-confidence when I enter a romantic situation or conversation with someone. It goes really well for a while, I leave, we never speak again, and then I’m left with a hollow spirit. Within that vacancy the dangerous loop of insecurities goes round and round until I’m eventually far enough removed to begin that cycle once more.
Rationally, I know that’s not how real relationships are built, but it’s hard not to imagine. Why am I so keen to settle? I was so ready to lessen everything about myself and act in a way that’s not me, to make that boy at the party want more with me. I was ready to drop every standard I had to let him win. Because in my mind, that was a victory for me too. So, it leads me to the question — why do women settle more often than not?
Our society has treated women like we’re expected to be “thankful” for every ounce of attention men give us – consent or no consent. Respectfully, I think that’s bullsh*t. I don’t accept that for one moment. We’re being told that “our standards are too high,” even if the standard is basic human decency and respect. Women are not “lucky” for every relationship in their life and we don’t “owe” men anything for basic respect. We, as women, deserve every beautiful endeavor and admiration life has to offer us. I’m tired of being told we don’t.
I know women and peers in my life who are settling for someone who shows every damn day, in multiple ways, that they don’t love them the way they deserve. I know girls who are getting told what they can and cannot do or wear – that is not love. I know girls who are being strung along with empty promises — that is not love. I know girls who are abandoning who they are to be accepted — that is not love. I know girls who isolate themselves to be seen as loyal to someone — that is not love. Love shouldn’t require you to cast aside every beautiful thing about you to feel chosen.
I know my worth. I know I just have to be patient and keep my head held high, but it’s frustrating and disheartening to have to do it after I get my hopes up time after time. Nothing good and worthwhile will come to me if I drop everything I regard and envision for myself, I know that. I refuse to “lessen” anything about me to be loved. I know what I deserve — I just have to wait for it. I continue to put myself out there and continue to love loudly — because for the right person — that’s everything.