When I was 10-years-old, I had a very specific bedtime routine. After saying goodnight to each of my parents, I would go to my room and flip my light switch three times: off-on-off. I’d lay down on my side in bed and play the same CD. During the bridge of the first song, I would turn over to lay on my back. I would squeeze my eyes shut and hope to fall asleep within the first six songs. If I didn’t follow any one of these steps, something “bad” would happen.
What would happen? I had no idea. I didn’t know why I was doing it, only that I couldn’t stop.
If I forgot to turn over during the first song, I’d panic. What had it meant that I broke the routine? Maybe I would replay the song to do it “right.” Maybe I’d just lay there in a frozen state of terror. These rules were completely arbitrary, but I followed them like they were the gospel truth. I wouldn’t know it for 11 more years, but I was experiencing obsessive-compulsive disorder.
While this routine eventually faded away as I grew up, my condition didn’t. If anything, my rituals only got worse with age.
I began to experience thoughts–obsessions–that were horrifying and debilitating. These thoughts convinced me that I was a monster, that I wanted to hurt people. I told no one what I was going through. The thoughts were too awful, grotesque, and downright embarrassing for anyone else to know.
I hated myself for thinking these things. I prayed for the thoughts to be taken away from me. I’d close my eyes and imagine someone cutting my head open and taking the thoughts away, like they were polaroid pictures stored in my mind for safekeeping. I convinced myself that I simply wouldn’t think these things anymore (if you’ve heard of the pink elephant phenomenon, you know this trick never works). I trained myself to shake my head and my fists when the thoughts popped up like a toddler throwing a tantrum, as if I could physically shake the thoughts off like a dog shakes off water.
These thoughts were usually accompanied by compulsions. I would repeat things in my head over and over, so many times that I became exhausted. I would tap my fingers in groups of five, counting silently. I would develop strange rituals, like the one when I was 10-years-old, and convince myself that breaking the ritual meant something awful would happen.
My mental illness ruined a lot of things in my life. I would isolate myself because I was too afraid to be around other people when I had consistent thoughts of hurting them. I would have panic attacks because of how scared I was of my own mind, and as a result would fall into depressive episodes. It was hard to explain my symptoms to my friends and family, since I didn’t want anyone to know their cause.
I first learned what an intrusive thought was on Tumblr late at night when I was in high school, and I burst into tears when I read the definition. I can’t explain the relief I felt; it was the first time I realized that I wasn’t a monster. These thoughts were occurring because they were the things that terrified me the most, not because they were some secret desire I held, as I had believed for so long.
It took me a long time to realize that this was even OCD. My compulsions were not always things like flicking my light switch or tapping my fingers. They were strange, hard-to-explain repetitions or odd things I did because they felt “right.” I was so ashamed that my condition didn’t meet the neat and tidy OCD diagnosis, and that was a large part of what made me hide it for so long.
I’m tired of trying to avoid the pink elephants. OCD has taken enough away from me. It has separated me from people I care about for over a decade. I am still deep in the battle against this disorder, but I don’t want to let it isolate me anymore.
OCD, like any other disorder, does not appear the same way in everyone. Just because my obsessions and compulsions weren’t the norm does not mean they are any less real and debilitating. If you are going through something similar, I want you to know that you are not a terrible person, and you are not alone.
Here are some resources that have helped me cope with OCD:
- “Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts” by Martin N. Seif and Sally M. Winston
- “Turtles All The Way Down” by John Green
- “The Complete OCD Workbook” by Scott Granet
- The OCD & Anxiety Podcast