“I do not have cancer.”
Imagine living in constant fear of an unknown yet ever-present threat.
“I am not going to die today.”
Imagine knowing that you are the exception to the rule – that a statistical unlikelihood is irrelevant when it comes to you and your body.
“I do not have cancer. I am not going to die today.”
Imagine having to constantly remind yourself that your body is not attacking you – that your meal will not kill you, that you do not have cancer, and that you are not about to have a heart attack. This is the reality of living with health anxiety – also referred to as hypochondria – and I, alongside four to five percent of the population, live with this reality every single day.
What is Health Anxiety?
It is completely normal to think about and worry about one’s health. It is important to be in tune with your body and notice any obscure differences. It is normal to reach out to a medical provider with questions and concerns. What is not normal is to be obsessed with the idea that you are going to die from an undiagnosed and possibly untreatable disease.
It is not normal to insist upon bloodwork as often as possible, and to consistently look up the cost of genetic testing and MRIs. It is not normal to assume that every migraine is an aneurysm, every fatigued afternoon is a sign of cancer, and that any brain fog means you have ALS. The preoccupation with one’s health and wellbeing at the cost of sanity and the ability to rationalize is the epitome of health anxiety, and there is little-to-no logical reasoning that can snap someone out of a health anxiety induced spiral.
My Experience with Health Anxiety
My journey with health anxiety has been a long, tiring, and endless road. Looking back, I have shown clear symptoms of health anxiety for my entire life. I can even remember being five years old and learning about hemophilia – and from that day on I was wary of the playground, convinced that every minor scrape would result in uncontrollable and lethal bleeding.
I grew up getting sick constantly, which didn’t help with the anxiety. When I was in daycare, I was sent home with a fever nearly every day. My elementary school experience was plagued by mystery diseases and confused doctors frantically trying to diagnose me. Notably, I had West Nile (which has now become a fun fact about me that I share during every game of “Two Truths and a Lie”). A childhood filled with sick days, when I should have been running around and playing with friends, instilled in me an idea that I was different – that I was unhealthy and more likely to experience the statistically improbable. I was petrified of getting sick, and I found myself slipping away from reality into a world filled with hand sanitizer, antibacterial soap, and panic attacks every time a classmate was out sick.
High school presented different challenges, specifically the COVID-19 pandemic. As someone who already lived in fear of the common cold, being told to quarantine or otherwise risk dying from a rapidly spreading virus absolutely horrified me. I took the rules of self-isolation extremely seriously – I could have been the poster-child for the CDC. However, I took the regulations too far, and sometimes too literally. I refused to be in the same room as my brother because he still worked (despite the fact that he worked alone and outside). I sprayed the mail with Lysol twice before I would let my family touch it. My air purifier ran constantly, I wore a mask to walk around my house, and I refused to step outside – I did not see the sun for 42 days. I had lost all control over my life and was completely ruled by fear and anxiety.
College was not much better. Shortly before starting my freshman year, I was diagnosed with a severe tree nut allergy that has since dominated my life and caused dozens of panic attacks whenever I try a new food (or even a food I have had hundreds of times before) as I am convinced anaphylaxis is going to be my downfall.
During my first year of school, I was diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease from an IUD insertion – something with a less than 1% chance of occuring. Now, every abnormal cramp (at least in my mind) is actually untreated PID and causing irreparable damage to my reproductive organs.
Finally, my sophomore year, my best friend was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. While she is thankfully better now, watching someone I love (who was young, healthy, and active) receive a cancer diagnosis instilled in me a fear that I will be next.
Due to the reasons above, my health anxiety is very trauma-based, as is most people’s. It stems from the fear that what has happened before will happen again, and potentially be even worse. That is why normal coping mechanisms, such as remembering fact-based information, statistical likelihoods, and grounding yourself do not work for someone suffering from health anxiety – it is all-consuming and unyielding because it is an internal force rather than an external force.
How I Cope
Hope is not lost, however. In the last year, I have been working diligently to minimize my health anxiety and live life as freely as possible. Here are the three coping mechanisms that have helped me the most:
- Improving my physical health.
While this seems obvious, taking steps to better my wellbeing has greatly reduced my health-related fears. I have started to work out five days a week to improve my overall health and create a stronger, more resilient body. I have also cut out almost all drinking, as alcohol is a carcinogen and by limiting my exposure to group 1 carcinogens I am able to limit my fears of developing cancer. I have also focused on creating a more healthy and balanced diet, which contributes positively to overall health.
- Finding a doctor that listens to my concerns.
It is easy to feel gaslighted by medical providers, especially when you enter their office with a list of rare diseases and are convinced you have all of them. By having a provider who is willing to listen to concerns, run desired tests, and provide alternate (and perhaps less scary) explanations to my symptoms, I am able to rest a little easier and feel validated rather than crazy.
- Self-examinations.
Going to the doctor every time I convince myself I have cancer simply is not possible. To cope with this, I have begun to conduct self-examinations and evaluations on myself, which helps to ground me in the reality of my body rather than the anxiety-riddled reality my mind has made. My examinations/evaluations consist of three steps:
- Physical examination: I conduct a self-breast examination, as one of my biggest fears is breast cancer. From there, I then look at any moles on my body to make sure they have not grown and do not look abnormal.
- Evaluation: I close my eyes and check in with my body. Am I really experiencing symptoms, or am I just nervous? Do I actually have a headache, or is it anxiety-induced? This helps me to rationalize any “unexplainable” symptoms I may have been having and calm myself down.
- Take a deep breath: As silly as this sounds, breathing can eliminate many common symptoms, such as nausea, body aches, and headaches. This removes the cause of anxiety and helps me move on with my life.
How you can help someone with health anxiety
It can be very hard to help someone with health anxiety. Oftentimes, logic only makes it worse, and sometimes we do not want to be talked out of our spirals. My biggest piece of advice is simple: do not make them feel crazy. We know we sound irrational, and we know our fears are unfounded and improbable, but that does not mean it does not feel incredibly real and overwhelming. Acknowledge their symptoms, but do not feed into their fear. Help them talk through their fears and rationale for a suspected diagnosis. While these things might not seem helpful from the outside, when you remember that health anxiety is usually trauma-based, it is easier to find the root of their obsession and be a strong support system.
Health anxiety is hard and it is scary. However, hope is not lost and there are steps you can take to reduce your fear. If you have health anxiety and are reading this, I promise you are not crazy and you are absolutely not alone in your journey.