Fitness Hacks: Battle of the Boutique Exercise Classes

 

Pros: 

– When I went, there were four rounds each of cardio and strength training, so in those 30 seconds every 7 minutes, I got “rest” while I stumbled to the next round of torture. 

– The girl next to me said “today’s especially hard” so maybe you usually don’t fly off of your treadmill into a waiting pile of yoga mats.

– Patrick, i.e. the devil’s own shirtless minion of pain and humiliation, was pretty hot.

– I’m pretty sure I could win a lawsuit against this place for completely inadequate instruction/ attention paid to me and the posse of upper east side moms who threw those thirty pound dumbbells in the air with the kind of reckless abandon I’d expect from my teenage brother after 6 five hour energies. 

 

Cons:

– Patrick might be gay.

 

Pros:

– Convenient location at 77th and Amsterdam, PLUS it’s the original one, so shoe rentals are free! I know you’re dying to slip your feet into some sexy Velcro sneaks filled with half an inch of someone else’s sweat and blood.

– Themed rides! You want to see a sexy man put on pink spandex and lead you through a “’90s boy band vs. ‘90s girl group” ride? That will be happening this Sunday. 

– Evidently, if you actually listen to your instructor when he/she tells you to turn up your resistance, some efficient calorie burning will occur. I would not be able to speak to this because I’m all like:

 

 

Cons:

– Try getting your belongings in and out of a locker here without some impatient chick’s oversized Tori Burch bag clocking you in the face. Every time.

– You will see every girl you know here. Consequently, they will all see you trying and failing to keep the beat like the suburban white girl that you are (Or is this just me?)

– You will probably end up being the one twenty-year-old girl in the room sitting next to a burly forty-year-old man with a burping problem. And, damn, those bikes are close to each other. 

 

Pros:

– The more competitive, less frou-frou cousin of Soul Cycle, Flywheel will whoop your ass into shape.

– If you’re a hardcore workout fiend and generally terrifying human being, you will appreciate the lack of campiness that Flywheel has compared to Soul Cycle. No themed rides here, just rock-hard abs and green smoothie-drinking marathon runners.

– LOOK AT THIS LADY:

 

Cons:

– Your bike has a monitor attached to it, which records how well you perform during each song. These numbers are then displayed FOR THE WHOLE CLASS throughout this hour of embarrassment. Basically, this class is Survivor, made exclusively for out-of-shape girls like me who are definitely about to get voted off the island.

– This is a probably more of a personal problem, but when I was there, the girl next to me wasn’t wearing a shirt or a sports bra, just what appeared to be a very minimally supportive mesh contraption, which I found very distracting. 

– LOOK AT THIS LADY: