1. Finally! A chance to work off that Chipotle. Bogo cards, amirite?
2. SoulCycle? That’s a trendy celebrity thing, right? Good enough for me!
3. Next to Equinox…Nice. I’m so fancyyy.
4. Alrighty…just gonna open this door…
5. Oh sweet Jesus it’s steamy in here.
6. But there’s gum! SoulCycle totally gets me.
7. Look at all this gear! I’m gonna look so good in that tank after a few weeks of this. It shall be my reward. People are gonna see me all ripped in that skull tank and be like, “Yeah. She goes hard.”
8. I’ll pretend like putting on these reused shoes isn’t gross.
9. What kind of shoes are these? Cleats? How athletic of me.
10. Okay. Time to hobble my way toward the bikes.
11. So many options. Do I get in the front? That’s more motivating, I think. Unless the instructor tries to get all up in my face…or calls me out. Oh no. Do they do that here?! Let’s not chance it. 2nd row it is.
12. Ummmmmm…..knobs……I’ll turn you so it looks like I know what I’m doing. Oh yes. Setting number 5. Mhmm..yeahhh.
13. Oh that must be the instructor. Look how peppy he is. I appreciate your pep, sir!
14. His legs look amazing. I wonder how long you have to do this to get legs like that. Probably a while. Do they train for this?
15. Maybe I should become a spin instructor. Just take over the spin biz. I bet I’d be so chipper and high off endorphins all the time.
16. Ah. Gotta click into my bike now.
17. Okay. Just gotta. click. in. thereee…
18. Click, dammit!!!
19. Oh they’re turning the lights down. Why are they turning the lights down?
20. AND a microphone? Oh how New York-y and theatrical.
21. Oh yeah! Here we go! When I teach spin, I’m totally gonna start everyone out to the Space Jam theme song.
22. Welcome to the Space Jammmmm. Here’s your chance, do your dance at the Space Jammm.
23. Just pedaling away. Woohoo! This is great!
24. Oh everyone just shouted “Woohoo!” Guess this is a vocal class. Like Rocky Horror! Does that make me a SoulCycle virgin?
25. Oh yeah!! I’m so excited to de-stress and sweat it out!
26. Already to the second song? Still not so bad. I really thought I was supposed to be a sweaty hot mess by now, like that time I tried Insanity in my freshman dorm room.
27. Okay. Slowing it down now. Upping the resistance. Oooookay. Something’s happening.
28. Oooookay legs. Just…keep…..pedaling….
29. Ughhh where are the fans? Oh good lord! Are there no fans?!
30. Deep breaths. Come on. That girl up front is killin’ it. Draw inspiration from her!
31. Oh I’m off rhythm. Oh god I’m off rhythm!
32. AH! I was supposed to do something! What are you all doing?
33. A push-up? I can do that.
34. And push and push and ughhhhhhhh.
35. No more reps! No more reps!
36. Find a happy place! Find a happy place!
37. Ahhhh, we did it!
38. Oh wait…Why is everybody taking off their layers? Is there more?!
39. Towel, you and I are going to get through this together, okay? It’s just you and me.
40. Oh thank god. Cool down time.
41. Weights?! What weights?!
42. Why do these baby weights feel like a billion pounds?
43. EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!
44. I can’t see myself in the mirror anymore! Where’d I go?!
45. Oh that’s just the condensation…
46. Speaking of which WHERE ARE THE FANS?!
47. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh there they are. Thank you Mr. Spin God. Your magical remote control just saved you from having to carry me out from heat stroke.
48. Last song. Ahhh. Just gonna close my eyes now.
49. Nice and smooth. Riding along a road with no hills and no danger of being struck by a taxi.
50. Wow. I can’t believe I made it through that.
51. Hello lights, hello mirror, hello….ewwwwww get me to a shower.
52. Just gotta go get my stuff from the locker.
53. Man, am I wobbly. Just gonna sit here. On the floor.
54. Shoes? Bag? Where are you?
55. Ahhhhh that cool autumn air feels so great.
56. I could do this again. Expensive? Oh yeah. Worth it? Probably.
57. (Walking up Low steps 24 hours later) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.