The Cuffington Post: Free Agency

“Champions practice when no one is watching.”  

They say nothing good ever comes for free… I guess “they” never heard of free agency.

Free agency: The time period allotted for a player who is under contract at present to solicit offers from other teams.

It’s the time of year to let those draft picks of yours show you their finest plays, after a long preseason of scouting and drafting. In other words: it’s your last chance to hit the market before you’re off the market.

To help you navigate this glorious, yet inherently complicated point in the season, we’ve decided to compile some ground rules to make sure that your mingling with other players doesn’t get you kicked off of your own team.

1) Don’t Be A Ball Hog - While you’re technically allowed to solicit with other teams- remember that scoring for *cough with* every player in the league might give you a bad rep. It’s your time to test out options other than the mans that was your #1 pick, but being too social may leave you all alone once free agency comes to a close and it’s time to release those final rosters.

2) Nobody Likes Two-A-Days - As we approach the season of giving, it is important to remember that there is a time and place for this. If you spend all of Saturday afternoon with your first-string quarterback, keep your drunk self from dialing up your second stringers on the walk back from his place. Any player will be the first to tell you how exhausting two-a-days truly are… heed their cautionary tales.

3) Limit Your Minutes - If giving your A game to the linebacker on Friday is just gonna make you miss a pass from your quarterback on Saturday, pull yourself off the field. While it seems flashy to record the most minutes in the league, even the best players don’t play their best tired. In other words, slow your roll and remember, pacing makes perfect.

4) Play Fair - Respect your other free agents; they’re doing their best to navigate the dating scene just like you. Remember to leave Brad and his dreamy eyes alone at after hours this weekend because Sydney already drafted him to her team last week.

5) Respect the Process - While free-agency can certainly be an anxious time, remember that rules are rules whether you like them or not. If the other team makes a dirty play, it’s still legal as long as the ref doesn’t blow the whistle. Don’t be the player throwing a fit and arguing the call, because you’ll just be the obnoxious girl at the bar everyone’s texting their friends about. Even if you’re mad Brad hooked up with a girl way hotter than you, there’s nothing you can do about it, so you might as well hide your psycho for when you’re officially cuffed. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Disclaimer: If you find yourself thriving whilst trying out different teams during free agency, you’re probably not ready to commit to one final roster for the remainder of the season. It’s better to end the season earlier on and rest up for next year, rather than crashing and burning in the post-season. No one needs another Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake level mishap in this year’s Super Bowl.   

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