The Cuffington Post: Drafting

Valentine’s Day is bad enough, we really didn’t need “National Boyfriend Day” too. It is just another sick excuse of a holiday, only created so that Shannon could post ten Instagram stories of her canoodling with Brad.

No one wants to see that sh*t Shannon.

But, seeing as you spent this National Boyfriend Day on your couch with a phat tub of Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s that you decided is a personal size (no matter what their meager “serving size” claims it should actually be), we’ve decided to help you draft some players than can help you score more points and less calories next year. 

So, what could possibly follow our impeccable scouting report? A guide of locations that will be key to facilitating a successful draft for your 2018-2019 season!

DRAFT: 

The Old Stone Jug aka “The Jug”:

This will be the best chance you’ll ever get to have all of your hunks, of all ages, in one place!

The Jug is big enough for your current fling, ex-fling, wanna-be-fling, and your back burner boy to all be in the same place, while you’re relatively at ease. Granted, maybe you’d probably be a bit more tense if it weren’t for those two extra tequila shots, which is fine because, hey, Liquid Courage is the official sponsored beverage of this year’s Cuffing Season.

Nevertheless, you’re bound to get some mingling in, even if it is just so you don’t have to pay for your next drink, which makes it a prime Cuffing Season hot spot.

Persson Hall:

Trying to nail down a mans who can support you and your insufferable spending habits?

Look no further, because Persson Hall will be one stop shopping for you! Home to the finest Econ and Political Science majors that Colgate has to offer, this is a true all work no play environment.

Plus, although the view of Taylor Lake from the gap is pretty, we can’t say that it’s better than that of the hot kid from your Econ class doing homework in his Superman glasses (that make you so desperately want to be his Lois Lane).

So, be sure to dress nice and put on your glasses, even if they’re just prescribed for reading, because you’re best attempt is the “look smart, feel smart” attitude.

Case-Geyer Library:

Sunday scaries? Not during Cuffing Season!

Sundays are for drafting the mans who will give you an extra swipe or two at the cafe when your college budget can’t fund the amount of coffee needed to subdue your headache and get you through that seven page essay due tomorrow.

You’re going to need to defy every urge your weak and hungover soul has to go with your sweatpants-messy bun combo and put on your finest pair of joggers if you plan on securing your best picks for this season.

I know you’re probably thinking, “but who could possibly be worth such a sacrifice?”

Just trust us, and save the Ugg slippers for a few more months when you have a bae locked down. 

New York Pizzeria aka “Slices”:

Be careful while you’re shoving that third slice down your throat like you’ve been on a hunger strike since NSYNC’s break up, because you never know who’s going to walk through the front door…  And let’s be honest, the last thing you need is to have ranch dripping down your face when your ~one and only~ sits down in the booth next to you.

This is where you’ll find all of the remaining eligible bachelors that weren’t already swooped up and out of whatever mixer you wandered out of due to your insatiable craving for Mozz sticks.

So, remember to keep your eyes open for someone who appreciates the worth of a late night slice just as much as you do!