The Cuffington Post: Scouting

The Cuffington Post

“Finding good players is easy. Getting them to play as a team is another story.” 

It’s no secret that it’s started to get colder, but more importantly, your summer body is disappearing before your eyes, which means it’s crunch time. On that note, you better get scouting for the 2018-2019 season… Happy cuffing season!

Up this week, everything you need to know to start prepping for your draft.

SCOUTING REPORT:

Linebacker: The Guy Who’s Smashing Everyone

While an essential player to the team, there’s no way to fudge the stats for the amount of bodies the linebacker is taking down a week. In the long run, cuffing someone who’s taken down every girl on campus may be a bit of a challenge (or a bit cringe), but on the bright side, the other team is intimidated by him. He’s bigger, tougher, and has definitely made his way around the field. While his experience may make him seem appealing, just remember that you’re not the only one that knows his plays.

Running Back: Running? More Like Running from Commitment

He’s the player who will get the ball and run, so naturally, you always hand him the ball. He’s the guy you hook up with Friday and Saturday knowing damn well he’ll ghost you all of Sunday. He’s the one you know you’re going to have to chase harder than that $6 shot of vodka you take when you arrive at the bar way too early. Although cardio isn’t your cup of tea, the chase keeps it all the more interesting for you. But besides all the sprints, he’s the total catch. He fights his way through the tough plays and if you could have locked him down, you surely would have by now. Why? Because his unexplainable fear of commitment makes him all the more desirable.

Quarterback: The Playmaker

He’s the player that every girl knows, even if they don’t know the game. He’s pretty and he knows it. He’s the big guy on campus and there’s no denying it. He calls the shots and can basically do whatever he wants (like deflate a football and the NFL will still put a ring on it)... like, when he hooked up with Becca from Psych last weekend and you acted like you didn’t see. He might be the star-player but remember, you’re the coach now.

Kicker: 3 Points at 3 AM

He’s the player that you don’t necessarily want on your team; to some he even seems like a waste of space on the roster- nonetheless, the position needs to be filled. He’s really only useful for three points, when you really want to touch down with the pretty boy. Yet, without his extra three points every now and then, your game would fall far behind.

He only scores a few points per game, so naturally, he isn’t all that satisfying. He’s that casual DFMO or occasional 3 AM text when you couldn’t get any higher scoring players to come through. Despite that, he’s there for you when you need him, and he’s always ready to put up points in critical situations. When your quarterback is throwing interceptions, the kicker will be the one to hold your hair back after too many tequila shots, put you in your bed, and sleep on your floor.

Not to completely discredit this player’s game, but if you don’t score on a field goal, that’s just out right embarrassing.

Tight End: “‘Exclusive’ is Such a Restrictive Label” 

This is your multifunctional player. He’s the guy who gets the best of both worlds- the linebacker and wide receiver hybrid. While he may be playing the boyfriend role to Shannon, and may seem like a long shot, just remember he made sure to let you know that they aren’t “technically” exclusive. Drafting a tight end may appear to be risky business on the surface, and certainly won’t please Shannon, but you’ll have plenty of time to run plays with this hunk if you’re fine being his second string.

Wide Receiver: The Long Shot

The wide receiver- the unfortunately wildly unavailable 6’4” guy who’s sits across from you in Econ. The guy, who you’re drooling over him instead of listening to what I’m sure is very relevant information for that midterm on Tuesday while he texts his girlfriend from home.

Keep dreaming on this one, because it’s gonna take a perfect pass to get through all of the defense on him. Despite that knowledge, you’ll draft him every season knowing that if he can break free of his coverage *cough cough his girlfriend from home who you don’t find all THAT great** you can score some major points with this player on your team.

Defensive Back: End Zone? More Like Friend Zone

You’ll always need to draft the reliable player for your team to have your back. He’s the player who’s strictly platonic but nonetheless, the guy who’s “like your brother” that would tackle any one for you. Although he’s been deep in the friend zone since freshman year, with no intention of having him make an escape any time soon, it’s good to know he’ll always be there for you. Annoying guy at the bar that has spent the past 20 minutes giving you an in depth description of his daily work out and skin care routine? No need to press send on that “SOS” text to your group chat, because your Defensive Back will always be there to get him out of the way in no time!

He’s the guy your friends always say you’ll end up with, so why not draft him just in case they’re right?