Confessions of an Indecisive Romantic – Part One
She hadn’t thought about doing it this way.
She had decided that after six years, she would tell him. She would finally try to tell him how she felt. But she wouldn’t tell to his face – she was still so unsure, so unprepared for these feelings she had. She knew how he felt – he hadn’t failed to tell her so for the past six years, but she had never been able to say it back.
Only three words. It was only three words, but they meant so much. She could have said those three words… but would they have meant as much to her as they did to him?
What exactly did she feel?
Why did this have to be so hard?
Why did she have to be so afraid?
She wanted to be sure – she wanted this to be it, she wanted him to be the one.
They had plans – so many plans. Six years of planning and dreaming, but she was still so afraid of what could be, despite wanting it so badly.
Why was this so damn hard?
Because she could have what she wanted, if she just stopped doubting, if she just stopped listening to everyone one else and just did what she really wanted to. But was it really what she would want?
Just give in, she told herself so many times. Stop listening. Stop caring. Just give in. This is what you want.
But is it? She asks herself.
Of course it is…
But is it?
…. Maybe?
And so the Indecisiveness begins…
So, it isn’t?
It’s not that simple…
But, why does it have to be complicated?
Because maybe this isn’t really what I want?
But you just said it was.
I thought it was… I’m sure it is…
What the hell do you even know?
I’ve told them what they wanted to hear. I’ve told him what they wanted me to say. I’ve told him what I wanted to say…
Did you, really? Or was it what you knew he wanted you to say?
Now she was angry and agonized. She had no idea what she wanted, and she hated it. She was frustrated, and it showed in the arguments and the dreaming. She wanted them to be happy. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted to be happy.
Now she was angry and agonized. She had no idea what she wanted, and she hated it. She was frustrated, and it showed in the arguments and the dreaming. She wanted them to be happy. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted to be happy.
Not everyone was going to be happy, though, and she didn’t want that.
She wished it wasn’t so hard. That she could be like her friends, who knew exactly what they wanted, who followed their dreams and dealt with the consequences as best they could. She wished it didn’t hurt deep in her stomach every time she thought about it. About hurting him anymore, about disappointing them.
They were all she had known for her life, but wouldn’t she eventually leave them? She would find someone else, and he would make her happy and make them happy. They wouldn’t be acting like it was just an infatuation. They wouldn’t act like she could just forget about him and find someone else later on. They wanted her to finish school. To have a successful career, for the past 18 years to pay off for her so they could be even more proud, for her to be happy.