There is a particular irony in realizing that, sometimes, even when no man is in the room, we are still thinking about what he would think.
We change our clothes because they might not be flattering enough, put on makeup before leaving the house, and wonder whether our hair looks better straight or curly.
For women, the male gaze can become more than an external judgment. It can become an internal reference point for measuring beauty, desirability and, eventually, worth. However, this does not mean that wanting to feel beautiful, enjoying male attention or dressing in a way that makes us feel attractive is inherently problematic. The truly question is: what happens when being desired becomes a condition for feeling desirable? And, even deeper, is it possible to build a sense of self that does not depend on being seen through someone else’s eyes — a man’s eyes?
Before decentering male desire, we must recognize its place
“Desire is something inherent to human beings and it’s also related to the ego,” says Thaís Barbisan, psychologist and neuropsychologist. From an early age, we learn to rely on something else — something such as the search for recognition or validation through other people’s perspectives.
When it comes to women, cultural constructions become part of female value, creating a deeper feeling, such as a real need for male validation. Women are socially taught to look at themselves, seeking the desire provided by men and following the aspects they might consider attractive as a way of feeling good. Even deeper, women are taught to see value on their bodies — the biggest matrimonial and symbolic capital value of their lives.
For example, think back to the Disney animation The Little Mermaid (1989). Princess Ariel gives up her voice and everything she knows in exchange for legs, all in pursuit of a prince. The story can therefore reinforce the idea that a man should be at the center of a woman’s life. Still, this movie is made for children, meaning that young girls can begin to associate desire, romance, and even self-sacrifice with this idea from an early age.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying being desired by others. It is normal to like being approached by guys, asked out, or called pretty. But things change when girls begin to rely on that attention as a genuine need — something fundamentally different from simply wanting it.
“It’s as if it stops being just a source of satisfaction and becomes a necessity, almost a matter of subsistence or emotional survival”, the psychologist explains, “putting a great deal of weight on the way a woman sees a man’s gaze, in order for her to feel beautiful, she needs to be desired.”
It doesn’t go away when men are gone
Even when no men are around, women can still feel their judgments, observations and likes through their own eyes because, again, society taught them to.
When you are dependent on something or someone, you seek it even when it is gone, and the same goes for the male gaze — a completely abstract concept.
“Our brain can produce real emotional responses based on what we imagine, remember or recall, even when it is not actually happening in that moment,” Thaís comments.
Once women build a relationship with themselves that is mediated by this gaze, their self-esteem is often built around the possibility of being “chosen.” Women may overlook the internalized judgments that, in the first place, shaped that desire. Doing something solely for yourself requires silencing the man who lives in our heads, and that’s a difficult task for those who have been taught, since an early age, to only listen to him.
Putting yourself at the center
Yes, it is possible to decenter male desire from our lives, but that does not necessarily mean it is an easy task.
The psychologist explains that a woman should be the one to draw her own path and set the boundaries for how she sees herself. “Self-knowledge is very important in this process because, when a woman knows herself, she validates herself.”
Once she becomes the one to validate herself, her self-esteem is established, and no one, including men, should be able to provide a greater sense of fulfillment than her own sense of self. That is when we must ask ourselves: What does it mean to be a woman? What does it mean to be who you are?
Getting this mindset deeply ingrained takes time, especially because we have spent a lifetime learning the opposite. Thaís mentions that psychotherapy can be a strong ally in this process, along with self-observation, books, movies, and experiences that foster identification.
“Habits and beliefs can be changed, but it is a process that depends on making a choice, on making a decision,” she says. She even adds, “Perhaps ‘standing up for yourself’ is not such a psychological term, but it conveys the idea well.” Women should stand by who they are, even when that goes against what most people think or expect.
Decentering male desire, then, is not about blaming ourselves for caring about how men see us. It does not make our insecurities disappear overnight, either. What it does is allow us to understand that they were not created in a vacuum. They are shaped by the world we grew up in, the images we consumed, and the expectations we learned to associate with being a woman.
Perhaps this is where decentering begins: by refusing to let it be the only gaze through which we understand ourselves. To question it is not to blame ourselves for having internalized it; it is to recognize it — and, from that recognition, decide what we want to keep, what we want to unlearn, and, ultimately, who we want to be when no one — no man — is looking.
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The article above was edited by Alyah Gomes.
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