As a girl, a person, and a new adult, the most common question among us are about love. What actually is love? Will I some day find my forever one? And if I don’t, how can I deal with it? These are just some of the millions of questions about this little four letter word. Nevertheless there is a specific situation in love and, consequently, a set of questions about it, that happens at least once in everyone’s love life: the terrible situationship.
Dolly Alderton once said in her book, Dear Dolly, “The most important relationships of your teenage life will take place in your head”. But in this case, what if this connection was never actually defined as a “real” relationship? That doesn’t mean that a situationship isn’t a real relationship, because the two of you often do the things that usually couples do. So,if someone in a situationship considers it a real relationship, why can’t it be defined as such?
Like most girls, the inquiries about this phenomenon are plentiful. In a way to understand and get to know different points of view, two specialists were consulted on the topic.The conversation didn’t have the intention of solving the problem, but start to understand the tip of the iceberg.
The importance of commitment
Sometimes, it’s normal to just want to “hang out” for a while, the “problem” is in the need to to define a relationship at some point. We believe that this is the right thing to do, it is common sense, and it’s important for everyone to think about it. With that in mind, the psychologist, Célia Horta, discussed about this current and huge question.
The psychologist focused on the necessity of making a deal, since it is a relationship between two human beings. Célia, emphasizes the fact that, if there’s a fear of commitment, it would be important to understand what supposedly prevents a person from deepening romantic relationships.
Would a relationship with no status be a choice or could it be a limitation of someone who can’t connect more deeply? Anyway, as I said, it’s not a rule, and there’s no right or wrong.
– Célia Horta
As she said, there is no right or wrong, but sometimes the questioning is necessary to do what is better for you both.
Team “our future” or Team “let’s go with the flow”?
Still talking about relationships that are defined or not, the psychologist talked about the difference between relationships and situationships.
If you googled the meaning of situationship, it will be defined as a “romantic relationship who is undefined or uncommitted“. This word is uncertain, and that is exactly what Célia emphasizes. When you’re in a relationship you have agreements with your partner, it’s much clearer to know when there was betrayal. On the other hand, in a situationship the “oral agreements” about commitment and a future together doesn’t exist.
What is common is that unpredictability and lack of control over the other are invariably present in all relationships, even in those with a clearly defined status.
– Célia Horta
Complementing this question, psychologist Elenilza Guimenes shared a sentiment most people in a situationship try to avoid: that an undefined relationship could mean that the other person is waiting for “something better”. Yes, it hurts, but if this isn’t true, why do their actions say the opposite? Why is it so difficult to assume a relationship?
This statement is confirmed when we see people in long undefined relationships, who right after the separation, commit to someone else. In a defined relationship, there is usually a desire for the relationship to have a future.
– Elenilza Guimenes.
You can lose what you never had!
The most natural process in our life is the process of losing someone or something, so, in a conversation with Elenilza, she brought the loss in situationships, and how it hit harder than other relationships.
Every break up is hard, it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you’re in. The specialist highlights that in these cases of a relationship without status, the phase can be more difficult when you face the possible expectations that one day you would be defined as a couple will never materialize. And that feeling can intensify even more, when after a while the other part assumes a new relationship.
Célia Horta also discussed loss specifically how these losses or breakups in undefined relationships can be considered “othering” if compared to the loss of a “real” relationship. Horta affirms that because there is no formal commitment, the people around often dismiss their frustrated expectations, just because they believe that those who committed to a situationship inherently understood the risks involved.
Considering this, it’s crucial for people to understand that the end of a situationship can hit just as hard as, or even harder than, the end of a defined relationship. The confusion with your feelings,and the lingering hope that someday it may be different can be challenging.
One of the worst part is that common sense says that “you can’t lose what you never had”, but yes, you can! The absence of a label doesn’t mean the breakup is supposed to hurt less, or in some cases nothing. A situationship may conclude, but the feelings and the reality that the person still exists – in the world but not in your life – are things that can’t be avoided.
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The article above was edited by Malu Alcântara.
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