Confessions of a People Pleaser

Please let me know if you like this article. I really hope you like it. But also tell me if this article sucks. It’s totally okay if you don’t like it. I just want to know if you hate it so I know better for next time—but also, don’t feel pressured to say anything if you don’t want to. Oh yeah, and no pressure at all if you don’t want to read the whole thing. It means so much that you even clicked on the title, so feel free to go whenever. I don’t want to take up too much of your time because you’re probably super busy. Actually, feel free to go right now. Sorry for taking up your time. 

…Are you still here?

Although the introduction may seem satirical to many, it can be the reality of the sheer overthinking and mental gymnastics that many people-pleasers, including myself, experience as a part of daily life. It’s days full of involuntary over-analyzing, behavior tailoring, worrying, replaying interactions, and bending over backwards all to make sure we don’t step on anybody’s toes. If people pleasers could collectively focus their hyper-analysis skills on unsolved murders, I’m sure all the crime in this world would be cut in half. 

People-pleasing can take a few different forms and manifest in different ways. Sometimes it’s putting the needs of their loved ones or those they seek approval from ahead of their own well-being, having difficulty saying “no” even when they’re already overcommitted (or feeling anxious and like a disappointment after saying no), constantly apologizing (including for things that aren’t their fault), and avoiding conflicts at all costs. I’m of the constantly-apologizing and conflict-avoiding flavor, with a dash of excessive worrying about other people’s opinion of me. 

The biggest irony of a people pleaser is that they don’t actually please anybody—especially themselves. Mirroring behaviors and hiding the authentic self can lead to shallow relationships. Constantly apologizing and administering check-ins for approval can be draining to be around, and generally, people who don’t have a backbone tend to struggle to gain respect from others. The constant search for external validation leaves people pleasers anxious, exhausted, and struggling with a sense of individuality. 

A thing that many non-people pleasers don’t realize is that these tendencies all stem from a misplaced idea on where worth comes from. People pleasers think that worth comes from the outside world and what they put into it. And thus, people-pleasing becomes a badge of honor—if we can make our friends and loved ones happy, we’ll do what it takes to do so; it’s a strive to be known as helpful and reliable. It didn’t matter if the club meeting was held at a house that was a 30-minute walk away. It was better than inconveniencing someone by asking for a ride. It also didn’t matter that I was terribly and horribly allergic to cats; I was okay with pet-sitting Sir William the Third for my neighbor anyway (I promise that name isn’t made up. He was a sweetheart, but man did he make me blow my wallet on Zyrtec). 

It’s a daily struggle for me not to imagine all the negative things my peers may be thinking about me. My roommate has threatened multiple times to make a “sorry” jar instead of a swear jar—which I’ve refused because I’d probably end up funding her entire college tuition plus our rent. I’ve replayed interactions I’ve had where I thought I should have acted a different way more than I’ve replayed La La Land or To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before (and if you know me, you know that’s a lot). I thrive on connection—but it has been hard to find that when the constant need to please others outweighs the need to pursue my own happiness. But the truth is, when we take time to find that acceptance from within, that’s when those connections will start to thrive. 

It’s been a long and still ongoing journey towards self-acceptance, and I can’t say that I have all of the answers. I confess that I still crave connection and external approval sometimes, and “sorry” is still a big part of my vocabulary. Learning to stop pleasing people is very much a work in progress. But every day, I try to remind myself that worth isn’t something you earn by being endlessly available, agreeable, or by hiding deadly allergies to cats on behalf of other people. I try to intentionally lean into a sense of identity that is surrounded by who I am, what I love, and what makes me, me. And, I hope that the other people pleasers out there will eventually be able to do the same. Because when that happens, that’s when you, the connections around you, and everything else can thrive. 

So, if you’re also a recovering (or current) people pleaser, here’s your permission slip (signed, laminated, and sparkly): you are allowed to take up space. To say no. To say yes because you want to, not because you think someone else does. To stop apologizing for existing. To allow yourself to be the authentic individual you are. And to stop looking for worth from others. 

Worth is something you already have, just by being here.

• #self care
• college
• love
• mental health