Toxic People

How do you know when something has gone too far?

What does it take for you to realize that people don’t change?

They’re just going to continue to hurt you.

And you let them?

Because you can’t see it while you’re in it.

It's a fog thicker than pea soup.

And it stinks too.

But the bowl of soup is your normal

So you wallow in it

And you let it consume you

And become your life

Because you don’t know any better.

 

Control. Power. Manipulation.

Is all they want.

They don’t care about you,

They are selfish,

Self-serving.

They’re in it for the money.

For the popularity.

For the sex.

They’ll toss you aside as soon as you know better.

 

And knowing better only means that you’ve realized that you’re worth more than what they say you are.

It means that you wake up,

You understand that you aren’t just a body for him to use,

Or a follower for her to puppeteer,

Or a money bag for him to leech off of.

It means that you see that you are human… 

And not worth the mistreatment that you’ve been putting up with for years and years and years.

And you followed in her footsteps.

You saw it happen to her,

And you let it happen to you too.

Because being treated like shit was your normal,

And normal is safe.

But being abused is not normal.

So why did I feel safe when I knew that in the first place?

 

Why did I sit there and let all of you abuse me?

I am not a doormat.

I am not someone you get to just trample all over whenever you are feeling down.

You don’t get to pretend to care about me.

You don’t get to patch up your mistakes with xs and os

And I Love Yous!

You don’t get to rape me of my free will.

You don’t get to lie to me anymore.

You don’t get the liberty of having the keys to my heart anymore.

You can’t fix your mistakes with cookies anymore.

You can’t fix your mistakes with “but I am family” anymore.

 

If that is family

I don’t want it

I don't want to be associated with you anymore

You’ve hurt me too many times for me to keep coming back.

I’m scarred now.

And scared too.

Don’t tell me you love me if you continue to treat me like nothing.

And don’t convince me to love you if you’re just going to hurt me

Again and again.

And now I search for a sense of healing

Every time I take one step forward

I fall five steps back

 

I’ve blocked your face

I’ve deleted your number

I unfollowed you on social media

You didn’t like that

You wanted to come back again

You wanted us to be civil.

I am civil.

I simply left.

I cried my tears,

So I’m so glad you’re calm now.

Civil?

You stabbed me in the back.

You went back to him.

 

And him?

I’ll never stop loving him.

Even though he has thrown me under the bus time and time again

Even though he told me I was talentless.

Even though he took advantage of me,

Because I went to him,

Because I thought he was my person.

And when we ended,

And my world crumbled,

He deleted me completely.

I don’t exist anymore.

I guess I’d rather that than be abused again.

 

And again and again.

And you.

The person that was supposed to raise me

And to always put me first

And to protect me

But now I’m just a cog in a court case

A machine that is dull when it comes to emotion

Just like you.

Dull. Empty. Void.

Maybe you’ll suffer more one day because of what you did

But for now, I’ll weep.

 

And I pray for those that continue to hurt me.

I pray that you realize how good you had it

I pray you know how good I was to you.

Never a liar.

Never a cheater.

Never a manipulator.

Never anything like you.

I hope you still listen to the music I showed you.

I hope it reminds you of me and it brings you to tears

Because for months now I’ve suffered the aftermath from your hands

And this is how I’ve coped.

 

And it took me months to realize that none of this was my fault.

It took me months to realize that I never did anything wrong.

It took me months to realize that all I did was love you

And all you did was abuse me.

I was a good friend.

I was a good girlfriend.

And I was a good daughter.

    xoxo.