Open. I don’t like that word very much. I’ve never felt like that word should apply to me. Why would I be open about my feelings when I have been so hurt by people in the past?
Writing this is uncomfortable already. But, do you see what I’m doing here? I’m talking. I’m communicating. I’m trying.
I know what you’re going to say. It’s harder than that. But hey, I get it. I’ve ghosted therapist after therapist. I’ve shut down people who wanted to date me just because I was scared I would never be able to love them the right way. I’ve blasted my music for hours to avoid confronting the silence. I’ve felt alone. I’ve felt unworthy. I know; opening up is so, so hard. It’s scary to feel vulnerable. It’s tempting to put a wall between yourself and others to avoid being hurt by people who know exactly how to hurt you. But, here’s the thing: they also know exactly how to love you, once you show them your heart.
At some point in my life, I thought that in order to be successful, I had to shut down my feelings, keep everything bottled up and pretend I was fine. I started acting like nothing ever got to me; like I was this unbreakable person that did not care about anything but ambition. I would tell myself, “only goals, no emotions.” I slowly isolated myself by not letting people in. And, instead of realizing that not talking to people was the root of my loneliness, I thought I wasn’t enough for anyone to try harder to know me.
Today, I am breaking that vicious cycle. Of course, I am not shouting my feelings from rooftops.
I’m starting with little, but significant changes. I let people know what’s bothering me. I let them hold my hand, even though it’s shaking and it scares me that they notice it. I look them in the eye. I say hi. I engage in hard, but much-needed, conversations.
Today, I am taking a chance. I’m letting people love me. I’m getting closer to such wonderful people and feeling happier every day. My world is filled with people who know almost everything about me and who I can call at any time of the day or night to talk.
Granted, sometimes it’s still hard to breathe. I have yet to stop feeling scared to reach out and ask for help sometimes but, I am getting better at it.
Today, I can hold someone else’s hand while I calm down. I can look them in the eye, know they see right through the scary thoughts, and not run away. Today, I am making progress. And that’s making me very, very happy.
When in doubt, remember that, “you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
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