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This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at BU chapter.

I replay every moment of every day. The look one of my classmates gave me. What does it mean? Why can’t I breathe? What is going on? I can’t speak, my voice is stuck, my heart starts to pound. I can’t. I can’t, I can’t….

In 2016, I woke up unable to move or else the world would spin and nausea would overtake me. I was scared and terrified because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I felt weak and overwhelmed with thoughts that would cloud my vision and turned my world on an axis.

For months, I was a frequent visitor of multiple doctors and unable to attend school because I could barely walk and move or breathe. I even had an MRI because no one could tell me what was wrong with me. I had to get my braces off early to get an MRI, so now I will have this gap in between my two front teeth.

I mean, I’m not complaining. I love my gap, but this just goes to show how quickly this escalated and how bad this situation got.

I remember this one moment, which will probably stay with me for the rest of my life, where the world began to spin: my throat began to contract and air would not go into my lungs and I felt physical pain in my stomach and my back. I was in the mall with my mom when I just stopped. I could not move, for fear of… I still don’t know the answer to. My mom was terrified for me and for how we would get out of the mall. My vision clouded, and, to be honest, I thought I was dying. But later, in 2017, we found out that I struggle with panic disorder and depression.

This is my daily struggle, but it is a part of my being and without it, I would not be me. I would look like me, I would probably sound the same, but I would be a duller person – a less fashionable one at that –  with nothing to say and nothing to offer the world.

To be honest, I have been afraid for a very long time to admit not just to the world but to me that I have a mental illness; but this is not something we should shy away from. This is a discussion that should be continuous and uplifting rather than degrading and stagnant.

Remember that no matter what, you are a courageous being no matter the battle you are fighting.


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Olivia is a freshman at BU studying film and television. She loves hot chai tea lattes and her dog, Puffin. She loves to paint, draw and read cheesy romance novels in her free time.
Writers of the Boston University chapter of Her Campus.