I am a transfer student from Penn State University. I changed schools because it was not for me; it caused severe anxiety, acne, health issues, and made me lose myself.
However, I did find something there: friendship.
I swore I would never go back to visit. As a student, I felt suffocated and trapped, and I was finally freed. But sometimes love and friendship override personal vendettas. So, with another friend who transferred, I drove six hours to Pennsylvania for a weekend.
The drive was the longest one of my life. Every inch closer, the worse our anxieties got. We worked so hard to get out; it felt scary to return.
It was more the anticipation that was terrifying. We didn’t know what to expect. The people I was visiting saw me at the worst time of my life. I felt unrecognizable, unimpressionable, and not myself. I didn’t even expect people to recognize me. My self-worth was so low that I didn’t think I had any impact.
At Penn State, I felt like an outsider looking in at my own life, just getting through.
When we pulled in, the anxiety flooded me. Driving through the college town made us reminisce on not just the bad, but the good, too. It was a lot of emotions at once, ones that I previously swore off.
My friend immediately greeted us. It was refreshing to see her and all my friends there. I missed them more than anything. I have a deep connection with my friends at Penn State. They made me feel loved, even when I didn’t love myself. That is true friendship.
I went to my old job, and my coworkers remembered me, which obviously they would, it’s only been a year. But as I said, I was so dissociated, I didn’t think I made an impact.
We had the best time. We went to frats, got pizza, gossiped, drank coffee, got rained on, went for walks, and overall enjoyed being with each other. We experienced a Penn State weekend, but this time, as visitors.
I didn’t realize how different an experience is through a looking glass. I loved visiting, but I hated living there. How does that make sense?
Living there and visiting are not the same.
This lesson applies to a lot of things. You think you want a new shirt until you buy it and don’t wear it. You think you are into a person until you go on a date with them. You think a food looks good, then you eat it and hate it. Perceiving something is different from truly experiencing it. When you visit, you make it fun. But visiting doesn’t give you a true sense of reality.
It can’t be fun every day. Falling for this false reality puts you in situations that don’t benefit you. You have to question, when you don’t have a fun day planned, would you still enjoy it as much?
Sometimes you have to allow yourself to leave it at perception.
This trip gave me a new relationship with Penn State — a healthier one. We are definitely not best friends, but we aren’t enemies anymore. I am able to visit without anxiety. I can happily see my friends, and then move on and return to Boston — the place where I can grow, be myself, and love living.
Sometimes, it takes a while to find the place that is right for you. But that place does not make you question if you belong.
It is okay to look back at an experience, but that doesn’t mean you should go back. There are times when you’re meant to be a visitor.
Penn State and I are now acquaintances, and I am at peace with that.
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