“Are you sure you’re not gay? I hope you are; bi women are hot.” For context, an uninspiring 17-year-old said this to me on our second date.Â
Initially, his comment didn’t bother me. Yes, I have red hair, chunky jewelry, and an eyebrow slit. In all reality, I understand his confusion. Coming from a high school friend group where half of my friends were queer, their style inevitably rubbed off on me. However, witnessing his anticipation and potential excitement about me being bisexual felt strange. I’ve never questioned my sexuality. I’m straight.Â
His sentence stuck with me. I hope you are; bi women are hot.Â
Hot? What does he find hot? Is it stereotypical bisexual swag? Was it the idea of woman-on-woman kissing? What makes a sexuality hot?
This is what makes the fetishization of queer women so difficult to recognize. On the surface, one may think that being called hot as a bisexual woman is complimentary. Being called “hot” has no explicit slur or disrespect; instead, queer sexuality is viewed as desirable because it can be consumed by a heterosexual audience.Â
Assumptions that the bi and lesbian community is among the most supported out of the LGBTQ+ community globally are misleading. In contrast to gay men and the trans community, who deal with a superfluity of homophobia and transphobia, queer women face the adversities of being fetishized, a different form of homophobia. Mainstream pornography and films portray queer women as hypersexual, often catering to the male gaze. This reduces their relationships and identities to sources of heterosexual male pleasure over genuine human connection.Â
Even if I were bisexual, did he assume I would start making out with other girls in front of him?
This also stems from the systemic issue of the objectification of women, where women are viewed and treated primarily as tools or objects for someone else’s pleasure. For a lesbian couple, where there is no man, assumptions that they lack a “protector” increase. This leads to a surplus in viewing a woman in a nonheterosexual relationship as a utility.Â
So what can be done about this issue?
I spoke with my best friends, both lesbians, to ask about television pieces they felt failed to encapsulate the depth of a homosexual relationship. Common answers included Orange Is the New Black, Riverdale (Cheryl & Toni), and Glamorous. Something these works have in common is that none of them were directed by a queer woman.
By prioritizing queer women writing and producing authentic stories about their own communities, we can reform media representation. Additionally, the media should showcase a wide spectrum of lesbian identities rather than fixating on masculine or hyper-feminine tropes. The issue of objectifying and fetishizing queer women cannot be solved overnight, though their representation can be accurately portrayed by calling out harmful stereotypes and rhetoric.Â
Oh, and for those curious, he did not get another date.Â
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