Patriarchal societal expectations infiltrate all aspects of our relationships, with the effects on relationships between men and women perhaps being the most obvious. However, what is often overlooked is the subtle influence these expectations can have on women’s friendships with one another. Although women may seek female friendship as a place of refuge from gendered expectations, we can simultaneously and unknowingly reproduce some of the same values and behaviours that patriarchy has taught us.
Unspoken Competition
Have you ever been genuinely overjoyed for your friend that she got her dream job, she is in a loving relationship, she went on the best holiday, yet still had the thought lingering in the back of your mind: “Why don’t I have that?” Feeling happy for your friend while simultaneously wishing you had what she has does not necessarily mean the friendship is unhealthy. Rather, it reveals how deeply scarcity and comparison can be socially ingrained.
From a young age, women are often positioned in competition with one another over appearance, popularity and academic achievement. This can continue into adulthood through comparisons surrounding careers, relationships, motherhood and other markers of success. Even when women consciously reject the idea that they are competing with one another, these forms of patriarchal conditioning can linger beneath the surface, making another woman’s success feel like a reflection of our own perceived lack thereof.
The Male Gaze
Society continually teaches young women that their social value is, at least partly, tied to their desirability and appearance. As a result, women’s friendships can become entangled with comparison, with women measuring themselves against one another under the same standards imposed upon them by the male gaze.
Under this constant scrutiny, it is unsurprising that insecurities can emerge within friendships, particularly when we begin comparing our appearance to that of our friends. Yet this is precisely what the male gaze encourages: the idea that women should view one another through a lens of desirability and competition, rather than simply as people. When we internalise these standards, the male gaze can create fragility within female friendships, encouraging us to measure our worth against one another rather than recognising that these expectations were imposed upon us in the first place.
Emotional Fighting
“Catfight,” “b*tch fight” and “mean girl” are just a few of the many phrases used to characterise conflict between women. These stereotypes suggest that while men express anger physically or directly, women are more likely to manipulate, gossip or emotionally undermine one another.
These assumptions can influence how women themselves interpret conflict within their friendships. A disagreement that might otherwise be understood as a normal part of any relationship can become loaded with the expectation that women are inherently “dramatic” or “b*tchy” towards one another. As a result, societal stereotypes can intensify conflict by encouraging women to see disagreements not simply as moments of tension, but as evidence of betrayal, jealousy or competition.
Romantic Relationships and The Effects on Friendship
Romantic relationships are often positioned as the ultimate form of intimacy and fulfilment in a woman’s life. From a young age, women are frequently taught that the trajectory of adulthood is centred around finding a partner, falling in love, getting married and building a family. In comparison, friendship is often treated as something that exists alongside this “main” relationship important, but ultimately secondary.
This hierarchy can quietly reshape female friendships. When a woman enters a romantic relationship, she may feel pressure to redirect her time, emotional energy and priorities towards her partner, while friends are expected to understand and accommodate this shift. Over time, friendship can become something we return to when a romantic relationship is unavailable, rather than a form of intimacy that deserves equal investment.
The issue is not that romantic relationships are inherently harmful to friendships, but that we have been taught to place them at the centre of our lives. By treating romantic love as the destination and friendship as something that adapts around it, we risk undervaluing the emotional intimacy, support and sense of belonging that female friendships can provide. Challenging this hierarchy allows us to recognise friendship not as a secondary relationship, but as a meaningful and enduring form of love in its own right.
Patriarchal conditioning can shape women’s friendships in ways that are often subtle and difficult to recognise, from comparison and competition to the prioritisation of romantic relationships. Recognising these influences allows us to question the expectations we have internalised and create friendships built on solidarity rather than competition. Ultimately, challenging these patriarchal ideas means creating space for women to support one another without measuring our worth against each other.
