Content Warning: This article contains the major themes of grief and loss associated with cancer. Please use your best discretion in choosing to continue, it is going to be very heavy. I love you and you are not alone.
Additional Disclaimer: I am in no way qualified to give medical advice. This is just supposed to be informational and very cathartic for me. If sharing my journey can help one person, it will be worth it for me.
December 1st, 2022 was the worst day of my life. Absolutely no contest. It was that morning when I learned that one of my only friends from high school had passed away.
Autumn had a long and brave battle with a very rare type of cancer, and she was in pain. But no matter what I tried to tell myself, it didn’t feel real and it certainly didn’t feel like it was fair. I mean, why would it? It has never been fair when an 18-year-old dies. It was Thursday of the last week of classes, which made matters a whole lot worse considering it was the last day of my Tuesday-Thursday courses and attendance was NOT OPTIONAL. I had to keep going with my life, even though my world had been turned upside down. I thought I had so much more time; she told us on November 17th that she was diagnosed terminal with two months left. It took everything in me to finish out the semester, and to get over the guilt of missing her funeral service due to finals.
I gave myself so much time and grace when allowing myself to grieve this loss. I thought it would be better the more time went on. But with the changing of the weather from fall to winter, my grief has resurfaced. I didn’t know just how severe anniversary grief could be: I knew it was something many people dealt with, but I never knew it could feel this strong. And now that the first of December is just a couple of days away (at the time of writing), as I finish up my last assignments for the semester and deal with the (excruciatingly long) countdown to winter break, I feel it more than ever.
What is anniversary grief?
According to Choosing Therapy, anniversary grief or the anniversary effect is “a collection of disturbing feelings, thoughts, and/or memories that can occur on or around the anniversary of a traumatic event, commonly seen in those with PTSD or those who have experienced the death of a loved one, such as a parent or grandparent.” That list is not even a small fraction of the types of events that can trigger anniversary grief- any sort of traumatic event can cause you to experience certain grief symptoms around the anniversary of the event. For me personally, it includes experiencing insomnia and extreme tiredness, disregulated eating patterns, forgetting to respond to messages, and unexplainable (or not-so-unexplainable) crying episodes. Beyond that, I have heard of many others who experience symptoms similar to those of clinical depression, recurring dreams that re-hash the traumatic event (which I experienced early on in the grieving process), heightened anxiety, guilt; just about every symptom in the book (New York State Office of Mental Health).
Why do I care?
The most important thing to remember when dealing with anniversary grief, or trying to support someone you know who is struggling with anniversary grief, is that everyone processes things differently. I know some people may not think my story is a big deal, considering that it’s not as if I lost my best friend or a relative, but Autumn was still a good friend and a great person. To me, that’s a big deal. It took me a long time to be able to tell myself that nobody else gets to decide when I am “over it.” (Spoiler alert: you never really get “over it.”) To understand why some people struggle with this type of grief, think about it this way: Have you ever spent time with your family on the birthday of a loved one who has passed away? If so, it’s like that. But instead of getting together to celebrate, a lot of people experience similar reactions to the initial event that caused the grief. It’s really important to remember that things that seem silly to you are a big deal- maybe a really big deal- to someone else. I’m not here to tell you how to be a good friend- I just want you to realize that this is a situation where the people you love may need support. <3
Coping and college
Here’s the bad news: I don’t really know how to cope with anniversary grief in a way that makes it hurt any less. But here’s the good news: you can take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. You can take comfort in the fact that the pain you feel is a reminder that you have not forgotten the impact that something or someone made on your life. It may never feel normal again- I’m still sort of waiting for that part myself.
Here’s how I see it: it might feel dark and stormy inside your mind for a very long time. But, one day you might wake up and realize that even though it’s raining, the sun has risen again. Then, the rain turns to just a light mist. That mist continues, and sometimes it reminds you of its presence when you least expect it. But the sun is shining and your life goes on. In my experience, that mist can actually be pretty refreshing. It’s a lot better, in my opinion, to feel a little sting once in a while than it is to forget entirely. After all, whatever or whoever is causing you to feel this way probably made a great impact on your life, and it would almost be disrespectful to forget. The road to processing your grief also may not be linear- mine sure wasn’t. Give yourself grace.
I guess all of this is just to say that I cope with my anniversary grief by recognizing that it is kind of a good thing. It may be painful, but I would rather hurt than forget. I don’t think I could ever forget Autumn, she was such a beautiful person with a good heart and an amazing sense of humor, and I wish more people got the chance to learn that while she was still here. I find solace in the fact that I can’t forget her, and I often find myself thinking about what she would have to say about everything that’s happened to me in the past year.
If you take one thing from reading this, I hope it is that you are not alone. Lastly, BGSU has a lot of free resources for students struggling with these types of things. The Counseling Center even offers a grief support group. Always know that there is someone out there who understands you and wants to help you.
Before I go, I want to dedicate this article to Autumn Vanek. I miss you and I love you, I can’t believe it’s been a whole year.