Only a handful of months ago, a text reading “I want to be on my own” had me convinced that my life was over. My world had come crashing down. Everything I had thought my life was going to be suddenly became the furthest thing from my reality. I shut down completely, isolating myself from everyone and confining myself to my bedroom.
I couldn’t seem to understand where things went wrong. What just happened? Where did I go wrong? What am I going to do?
I envisioned the last three and a half years of my life circling down the drain and disappearing into the darkness. I wanted all the hurt and pain to go with it. Yet, the more I sat with it, I realized that that wasn’t the reality.
The reality was that I couldn’t erase those years. At the time, it seemed as if all I could remember was the good, which made me hurt so much more. But as time went on, I began to think about the not so good. I reflected on things that I had sacrificed, had put up with, and even changed about myself. Not for me, but for someone else. I had become a different version of myself and stepping away from that relationship, that version of me was not one I liked very much.
It took a lot to accept this. I didn’t want to think I had changed; that I hadn’t been the best version of myself for my family or friends; that I changed myself for a boy. But the truth is that I did. I needed to remember, not forget those years. I had to see that version of myself and work to change that into a version I did like. One that sticks up for herself and what she believes in. One that never lets her friends down. One that knows her worth and does not let someone else’s opinion lessen that. One that is under no one’s control other than her own.
And I did just that. Over the next few months, I worked on myself. I deleted social media; I started reading books and prioritizing my mental and physical health. I reconnected with my friends and started to do things that I enjoyed again. Slowly but surely, I started to feel like myself again.
It’s been almost 5 months, and I am certainly not perfect. But I am better… a better me. And thinking about the hard things is what helped me get there.
My life isn’t over. Its just getting started!