For my whole life, I have been known as a sensitive person and a worrier. Even as a young kid, I was very nervous, quiet and extremely introverted. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I finally saw a professional for what had become far more than being nervous and quiet. I was out with my family, and ended up having an anxiety attack in a crowd. It wasn’t the first time I had an anxiety attack, but it was one of my worst, and we finally realized that seeing a therapist could benefit me.
I started seeing a therapist during the first semester of senior year. It was extremely difficult at first, because I was so used to my high levels of anxiety that I had trouble finding things to talk about. At the time, all my focus was going to the college application process, but when I thought about my future, I was paralyzed with anxiety. I couldn’t bring myself to make a list of colleges to apply to, let alone write the essays and submit the applications. With my therapist, I worked on the college search and application process, because on my own, it seemed like an insurmountable task. Thankfully, I was able to complete that process, but my therapist saw that there was a lot more in my life that needed to be fixed, and that talk therapy was not going to be enough to help me reduce my anxiety.
After a few weeks of therapy, I was referred to a psychiatrist to further help me. The waiting list for a psychiatrist in my area was about three months, so in the meantime, my regular doctor prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft to help ease my symptoms. I didn’t notice much of a difference on medication, but it gave me a starting point.
When I was finally able to see a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with general anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder, and major depression. My dosage of Zoloft was increased, because a higher dose is usually to combat anxiety, while low doses help more with depression. I always knew that I was an anxious person, but throughout the process I was surprised to find out how sever my anxiety actually was. Because I had been living with the symptoms so long, it became normal for me, and I was extremely high functioning. When I felt like I was improving, I was still much more anxious and depressed than any healthy person would feel.
Over the next few months, I had several more appointments with the psychiatrist. Each time, my Zoloft dosage was increased, because she knew that my feelings could still be improved. Thankfully, I didn’t experience any side effects from Zoloft. By the time I came to Augustana, about six months after my initial visit with the psychiatrist, I was taking the second highest dosage of Zoloft.
Just as the transition to college is hard on everyone, it was hard on me. I know that it would have been much harder if I hadn’t been taken medication. One thing that has always caused me anxiety is change, and of course, going to college is a time of abundant change. Although I was still anxious starting school, I wasn’t paralyzed with worry like I had been as a senior in high school. The skills that I had worked on with my therapist helped a lot, and I felt that Zoloft was working for me. If I hadn’t started treatment for my mental health, I don’t think that I would have been able to adjust to college as well as I did.
I was lucky to have great roommates and friends as a freshman, and I enjoyed my classes. The first two terms I spent at Augustana were wonderful for me, and I was feeling less anxious than I had in a long time. Unfortunately, I had a lot of problems my spring term outside of class. The issues I was dealing with took a toll on me, and I was feeling severely anxious and depressed again. My psychiatrist decided to adjust me to the highest dosage of Zoloft.
I was taking the highest dose of Zoloft for about a year when I decided that it wasn’t working for me. My psychiatrist and I decided to experiment with changing my medication. It was a little discouraging to realize I was going to have to start the process all over again. We decided to try a new medication called Trintellix, which other patients of hers had great success with. Unfortunately, the medication did not sit well with me. I experienced a lot of side effects, the worst of which was vomiting every time I took the tablets.
We switched my medication again, and I began taking Cymbalta. Luckily, Cymbalta is working wonderfully for me. I feel better than I can remember feeling since high school, and I am not even taking the highest dosage of Cymbalta. I’m lucky to have finally found the medicine that works best for me. It took almost three years for me to find something that worked for me, and there is still a lot of progress to be made. Working through mental illness is an extremely difficult journey, but it’s worth it. Now that I am on the medication that I need to be on, I laugh easier, I talk more, and I have stopped having insomnia. I feel so good now, that I can’t believe I was able to live the way I had before.
I wanted to talk about this because it’s something that people don’t like to talk about. Despite the new knowledge of mental illness we have, there is still a huge stigma around seeking help. People are reluctant to see a therapist, because it is hard to put yourself in that position of vulnerability. I was lucky that despite having severe anxiety and depression, I never felt suicidal or committed self harm, but many other people are going through that, without help from anyone. It is so important to take care of your mental health. In my opinion it means more than physical health. If you are experiencing any anxiety, depression or mental health issues, a therapist or psychiatrist is there to help you. Even stress at a level that doesn’t warrant a diagnosis is something that a therapist can help with. There is no reason to suffer through mental issues alone. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, or know someone who is, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, twenty-four hours a day.