Edited by: Maya M. Haidar
Last weekend, I decided to take out time for myself. Disclaimer: I already did that all of Wednesday. I ended up starting Jane the Virgin on Netflix, an American telenovela packed with complicated drama, fantasy, and romance. I am someone who thrives in fantasy, so you can only imagine how emotional that show made me. Also, Justin Baldoni (Rafael) is a beautiful sight for sore eyes.
Eventually, when the weekend was coming to an end, I obviously told myself that the amount of work I do as a student at Ashoka deserves a ‘2-day break’ rather than just one day. Therefore, it only seemed right to neglect all the work I had, which didn’t seem much at that point in time, in order to see the neck-to-neck competition between the father of Jane’s baby and fiancé for her heart. Besides, I never spend some down time with myself and watch something I like, right?
As you would have guessed, on Monday, I was suddenly hit with a massive workload that meant I had to crunch through the entire week in order to get through. On 3 hours of sleep every day, with an immense amount of 11:59 panic citing and submissions, I made it, without a breakdown. Well, at least without making a major mess.
After finishing up my classes on Friday, I just couldn’t sit in my room. This space that I associated with comfort and relaxation, no longer felt the same. I felt confined to the desk and chair, imprisoned by the pinboard right in front of me with all the list of things I had to do.
While I acknowledge the privilege I have, to not have my lifestyle be completely derailed by the pandemic and to be able to live within the comfort of my own room, my emotions got the better of me. As each hour went by, I felt more overwhelmed with Ashoka, online classes, and work. My mind wouldn’t stop racing through multiple thoughts within a given minute and I felt awfully alone. Even though I knew from the multiple conversations with friends that they were going through the same, the absence of the comfort of their hugs made all the anxiety difficult to deal with.
I just wanted to distance myself, maybe make my mind numb for a bit (in a healthy way of course) and run away from all the thinking. So, after dinner, I made the courageous decision of going for a walk. I grabbed my headphones, mask and put on Odomos like it was perfume (because a global pandemic doesn’t stop dengue), and embarked on this journey downstairs.
Entering the lift, pressing zero with a toothpick—because that’s the new normal—I hoped that this walk would be the one right decision I had made in a while. Exiting my tower building felt like such a dramatic Indian TV serial moment, which would have three replays of my shoes just touching the bare ground.
The 9 pm sky was considerably darker because of the grey clouds and I was greeted with a refreshing breeze. This weather was perfect for those long deep conversations outside the mess or Dhaba with a cup of lemon ginger tea. These were the kind of conversations you would never want to end because the person you have them with becomes special, as you feel this sort of connection you have never felt before. I am not going to lie, I felt very alone at that moment. I wished I had someone to call then, to discuss the philosophies of life, wrongdoings of the human race, or just the same old insecurities. Nevertheless, I hit play on my usual Spotify playlist and began walking.
Don’t get me wrong, this walk wasn’t extraordinary. It was the very same path I took when I would go to buy some milk, or vegetables for home. But it just all seemed different. I guess it’s true when they say everything hits a little differently at night. I saw two young teenagers trying very hard to visibly not visibly hold hands and I can’t blame them because every society has a Seema Aunty. They looked so young in love and seemed to be having one of those conversations I mentioned above. There was an old uncle talking on the phone, discussing “what the government should do next?” and a group of old aunties comparing their grandchildren’s achievements.
Each step I took felt slow and fast at the same time. If you ask me what I was thinking about, I honestly don’t remember. I was just enjoying the breeze, the walk, and the journey (even if it was just till the society gate). Spotify started playing some suggested songs on its own and I felt like I had stumbled upon a gold mine of good music. Do you know that genuine smile that shows up on your face when you hear a song for the first time and fall in love with it? That is what every moment felt like. Each song gelled perfectly with the serenity of the night sky. I now had a playlist to play on repeat for the next few weeks. In fact, I am listening to one of the songs right now, while writing this. If you stick around till the end, I just might tell you what it is.
I even ended up dancing a little, not realising where I was, owning the entire road with my footsteps. Thankfully, I broke out of it soon when I realised that I wasn’t at Ashoka and that jamming in the middle of the road would not be appreciated.
I took a risk, and since I was alone with barely anyone around me, I removed my mask. I know, it was almostillegal in today’s times, but I just wanted to feel free for a bit. Even if it was for a few seconds. I could feel my diaphragm contracting and expanding with each breath. It all seemed under control, I felt under control.
By 10 pm the clouds began to seem a little heavier and darker. I could smell that distinct scent when rain is about to announce itself. I decided to call it a night. I remember walking back to my tower and feeling whole again with a little more love for myself. I knew that at the end of the day, I’d get through it, whatever came my way.
It is moments like these that restore faith for me that everything will be alright. I am happy to inform you that I am back at the very same desk and chair, with the pinboard full of tasks to do. Except this time, I have my new playlist to jam to while I cross out each and everything on my ‘to-do’ list.
If there is one thing I have learned from this pandemic, it is that we forget to check in and take out time for ourselves. And no, this does not mean binge-watching something on Netflix or sacrificing sleep for one more cute baby video. Now with mid-semester stress starting and the hectic schedule of online learning, let’s not try and lose ourselves again this time. What’s that one thing that brings you the same solace I feel, when I take a stroll in the night sky?
P.S. about the song, please know I do not share my music with a lot of people but since you did take the time to read the entire piece, here’s your reward. The song is called Lowkeyby Nikki.