I could choose to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself, because that’s the safe option and I won’t get hurt; better yet, I won’t hurt anyone. I could choose to let go of the things that hurt my heart or that forced me to change and internally process them. I could make the choice to respond eloquently, but not honestly, when faced with the question of “what happened?” or “how are you handling this?”
I could do a lot of things to save face, but if I’m not true to myself and the things that I believe, then how would that help me grow? How could I say that I am woman who sticks to her core values?
Every time I re-experience hurt, I try to remember that this isn’t the first or the last time that my world will shatter or that tears will be shed. I remember that I have to be the strong woman I always preach about and hold my head high.
But what happens when I hear the song we listened to together? What happens when I remember the way that you pulled me close in your living room, swaying and dancing, and swore that it would be the song we would have our first dance to at our wedding?
What happens when I visit the places that we went to but this time I’m alone? Like when I’m drinking tea from the coffee shops that my heart used to hold so dearly. How do I manage that simple thought?
What happens when I start to cheerfully describe an experience that has shaped me into who I am today and abruptly remember that you are the one I created it with? Do I carry on with the experience happily, but simultaneously mask the hurt in my heart, or do I stop in my tracks?
How do I act when I see the two of you together, her being an acquaintance of mine and you being the former holder of my heart? Do I tell people the truth, that you chose her, or do I simply say that you and I no longer worked out?
You see, that’s the thing about heartbreak that no one ever warns you about- the aftermath. No one tells you that your hands will bleed while you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart, and all the while, you have to remain joyful.
No one tells you that you’re allowed to cry and to be sad. No one tells you that you shouldn’t hold hate and anger in your heart, rather replace it with forgiveness, but everyone tells you to keep that to yourself.
That’s just not who I am. I am not a woman who holds in her genuine feelings; I am not a woman who gives into the pressures of what I “should” be, but rather exudes exactly what I am, good and bad.
I am emotive, I am expressive, I am a firecracker, I am learning, I am strong, but I am also hurt, and that is nothing that I am ashamed of.
I could be a lot of things, but a conformist will not be one of them because I will respectfully be exactly who I am, and that is nothing that I should apologize for.
Genuine authenticity and sheer emotion are hard to come by these days and I refuse to be an aid in why.
Image Sources:
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