I recently talked with a therapist, Susan Tinsley, who provides counseling and therapy services for individuals and couples in my hometown of Jupiter, Florida. We came up with the idea of asking friends and people on social media what questions they would ask a therapist if they got the chance. Most of the questions I received were either questions that may be uncomfortable to ask or the person may have felt alone in their wondering of certain topics. With over 150 questions sent in, here are the top 10 questions college students asked.
- How to know whether or not you’re investing too much or too little in a relationship?
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“If you’re asking this question, you’re either investing too much or too little. What kind of attachment style do you have in your relationships? There are three types of attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure. Anxious attachment is when you’re constantly worried you will be abandoned. Avoidant is also when you are worried about getting abandoned, but you pull back to avoid getting hurt and hurt the other person as a result. Secure is when you feel like you can have autonomy and be your own person while feeling safe, because the intentions are reciprocated. If you feel like you’re working too hard, —you might be investing too much. Visa versa, if it feels like the other person is chasing you, you might need to recognize your avoidant attachment style.”
- Is the saying that some friendships are meant to be fleeting while others are meant to last a lifetime, true?
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“This is a common question that many people ask. There are three types of friendships, and they can be described like the rings on a tree. The tiny rings in the tree represent your “core friends.” Core friends are the people you could tell where you hid the body, and they wouldn’t rat you out. There are typically 1-5 of these friends and you usually meet them at pivotal life moments–i.e., elementary, middle school, high school or college. Core friends aren’t really made later in life unless related to trauma. These are the people you don’t necessarily see every day, but as time passes, the friendship stays. The next ring is the “life-stage” friends, which include roommates, neighbors or people you hang out with socially. These are the people that you see every day and spend time with the most. These people often feel like “core” people, but they are not. Be cautious with this group, because they often seem like closer friends than they actually are. Enjoy these types of friends in your current life stage as they may or may not stay in your life. The last ring of friends are acquaintances. People often bounce between this group and the life-stage group. These are people you rarely cross paths with, making you lose or never even gain a certain level of intimacy. Recognizing where your friends lie within these “tree circles” will prevent you from feeling unsafe. For example, understanding that you should really only tell your deepest, darkest secrets to your core friends and not anyone else.”
- Thoughts on getting back with exes.
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“People tend to have a pattern on who they are attracted to, and it directly relates to the attachment style they were raised with. We tend to model our relationships off of what our parents displayed. When it comes to ex-relationships, pay attention to what was good about the relationship and what didn’t feel so safe. Notice what your role was in the relationship and whether or not it brought out your best qualities. Acknowledge if you are romanticizing the past or if it was truly a healthy relationship. Ask yourself if it was just comfortable and fit the pattern of your everyday life, or if it was a truly beneficial relationship.”
- How do I know whether or not a relationship is unhealthy, or if it’s just going through a rough patch?
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If the relationship is in the early stages, a rough patch should indicate a red flag unless the relationship has been built on trauma–i.e., met through some sort of trauma, could relate and could grieve together, etc. If you are in a committed relationship for more than a few years, everything is normally pretty positive and everyone’s needs and wants are being met, a rough patch is common under a few circumstances. Rough patches can be defined as someone going through something tough interpersonally, which in turn puts strain on the relationship.
- How do you know when to give advice vs. letting someone rant and having you just listen?
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“There are 3 types of listeners: the empathetic ear (letting someone just vent while you listen, giving empathetic listening responses), the fixer (listening but offering advice on the back end of the story), and the normalizer (listening to a story and depicting whether it’s normal or abnormal). If the person opening up to you has not given you a clear understanding of what they need in this situation, pause and ask them straight up what they need from you. Do they just want you to listen? Do you want advice? Are you trying to gauge whether this is normal or not? Asking these questions on either side—the listening or the seeker—will cut down about 75% of communication frustration.”
- How to recognize when you should just stay friends with someone you once thought might want to be in a relationship?
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“Friendships and romantic relationships should be very similar in a lot of aspects if the relationships are healthy. In either relationship, you should have a sense of security, a level of responsiveness and knowingness of whether that person has your back. The relationships only differ if you see the other person romantically or if there is chemistry in the relationship (chemistry is important for MOST people, not all). It is important to test relationships out in order to find the difference between platonic chemistry and romantic chemistry. Always remember to be kind while still being straightforward as quickly as possible when you feel like feelings need to be discussed to avoid leading someone on.”
- How do antidepressants and other medications affect your romantic/sex life?
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“Anything you put into your body is not only affecting the thing you’re trying to help, but it also affects many other things. A lot of these medications include SSRI’s, which affect the transmitters in your brain– almost like a switchboard in your brain. Your libido and your physical reactions are going to become numb or dormant because your brain has decided that your anxiety or depression needs to take precedent. Your brain can only really process one major problem at a time. This is why we often see problems arise with intimacy and the G.I tract. To proactively combat these problems, take the medication to get back to a baseline. Continue to do the work to improve mental health and get to a place where you can lower your doses and only take the minimal dose for your brain chemistry and personal needs. Doing this will help reduce the effects that the medication has on other aspects of your life. That being said, listen to your body; if medication is needed for an extended time, remember that all of these side effects are temporary and can be worked with.”
- How to openly talk about your sex life/ things you like or don’t like with your partner
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“Sex is tricky; there is a big difference between casual sex and having sex with someone while being in a secure relationship. You first need to recognize if it is a safe relationship. Be careful with sexually exploring too much with someone you are just casually hooking-up with; this is when you could end up with mixed messages or hurt feelings. When you’re in a secure relationship and when you know there is a safe attachment, this is when you can best explore how to openly discuss sex. Is it in the bedroom? Is it over text? You can also alternate taking turns on each other’s wants, needs and fantasies in a positive and constructive way. Refrain from using any negative connotation when talking with you partner. For example, tell them what you do like instead of flat-out saying that you don’t like when they do something. Keeping a more positive way of communicating will help prevent anyone feeling uncomfortable. No one likes to be criticized in an intimate setting. College is a pivotal moment sexually, so be delicate with this topic and with your partner.”
- How important is sex in a relationship?
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“The level of importance you place on sex is extremely individual. For some people it’s really important, and for others, it’s not important at all. It’s about finding a person that meets where you are, as close as possible. In every relationship, there is going to be one person who has a higher sex-drive than the other person, because not everyone is equal in terms of how often you want to have sex. You do want to try to find someone who is as close as possible to you when it comes to connection and how often you like to have sex. However, if everything else seems to work smoothly in the relationship, coming up with a compromise when it comes to sex can help prevent any sort of guilt or tension.”
- What’s the best piece of advice you can give for a college student?
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“Enjoy your present life stage. Everyone likes to think about the future. Life moves faster than you think it does. Enjoy being bored and getting to hang out with your friends. Enjoy the feeling of the unknown because at this stage, you have endless possibilities for how your life will pan out. Each life stage has the good and the bad, so there’s no point for rushing to the next stage, because there is never going to be this utopia. Everything in life is a check and balance, so stay present as best as possible while still trying to achieve goals. Also, try not to get an STD and wear a condom!”
After talking with my friends about their questions and concerns, I’ve realized how often we all feel alone in different scenarios. Always remember you’re never alone, and someone is always going through something similar. If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, don’t hesitate to reach out for help!