It started off as a normal Sunday afternoon. I got up, had breakfast and went to church. It all went wrong when I started having a panic attack. In church. My sanctuary. I left church shakily, trying to even my breathing as I walked to my car. As soon as I got into my apartment, I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. My friends were sitting at the kitchen table when I came in, but they were on their feet as soon as they saw me. I tried to explain that it was fine, it was just a panic attack, this happens all the time, but I was absolutely incoherent.
My friends did exactly what friends of people with anxiety are supposed to do. They took my bag and keys from me. They sat me down on the couch. They gave me water. They asked me if I was okay with being touched, and patted my back. They told me it was okay to fall apart for no reason. They stayed until I could breathe normally and stand on my own. My friends couldn’t have done better if I’d directed them myself. But sometimes it’s not clear what to do in these situations, so without further ado, here are some things to do and keep in mind when someone you love has anxiety. There are two ways of tackling someone’s anxiety with them. You can either offer solutions to help them combat their feelings, or you can listen. No matter which way you choose, if the person is having a panic attack in front of you, do exactly what my friends did above. Get them water and sit with them. Then decide your method. If you choose to offer solutions, here are a few things to know: Do: Keep in mind that whatever the person is feeling is painfully real to them, even if you don’t understand what caused their feelings.
Do: After you’ve given them water and sat them down, get a washcloth and dampen it with cold water. Apply the washcloth to the back of their neck.
Do: Talk in a low voice. Let them know they are safe with you.
Do: Wrap them in a blanket and give them a pillow to squeeze.
Do: Let them know it’s okay to have a panic attack.
Don’t: Let them sit alone (unless they specifically ask that you leave them alone).
Don’t: Let them apologize for having a panic attack. Your friend may feel like a burden; let them know they are the furthest thing.
Don’t: Say, “I’m sorry.” This makes them feel obligated to say, “It’s okay,” and in that moment, for them, it might really not be okay. Instead, you can say something validating like, “Let it matter,” or something positive, like, “You are so strong for dealing with this.” Make them feel like it’s okay to be having a panic attack. Part of anxiety is feeling unable to express the anxiety for fear of looking “weak,” or “lesser.” Remind them they are strong for expressing their feelings.
Don’t: Talk about your problems unless they specifically ask you to (this might happen to help them feel less “like a burden”). Remember that this isn’t your time to need support, it’s theirs. Even if you yourself have anxiety, the person having the attack should be the focus. If you’re both having an attack at the same time, reach out to another friend for help.
Don’t: Tell them whatever they’re anxious about doesn’t matter. I know you’re thinking, “I’d never say that!” But sometimes it seems like the right thing to do in the moment, to let the person know whatever they’re worrying about is trivial and isn’t worth their anxiety. Resist this urge and instead, say something like, “I know how much this matters to you.” Listen to them and respond with love; the more statements you begin with “you,” the better.
Anxiety doesn’t care about the importance of its source. Anxiety doesn’t know it’ll all be okay, even if the person does. Instead, focus on concrete things the person can do to reduce their anxiety. These things sound cheesy, but they’re worth offering to your friend with anxiety:
– writing their feelings down – drinking a lot of water (half their body weight in ounces daily) – mindfulness exercises – listening to music – watching their favorite movie – setting up a system of specific rewards; for example, after getting everything on my to-do list done despite having a bad anxiety week, I go get a Chick-Fil-A milkshake. The friends in the life of a person with anxiety are some of the most important people. They make up the support system, and are the first people they go to for help. Make sure your friend with anxiety knows you support them, and, if it’s alright with them, have a conversation with them about what you can do to help.