Ever since I could remember I have always been thin. Granted, I did have some medical issues growing up that would make me want to eat less than I usually would want to, but once I got better I still had an issue gaining weight No matter how much I did eat I wouldn’t gain weight.
The most I have weighed to my memory was a 102. Now I bet there are some people that would be like, “well aren’t you lucky” or “ugh, I wish I was that size,” but in actuality: I want to be their size. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my size, I love that I don’t grow so I can wear clothes over and over again for years to come so I can save some money that way.But at the same time I would like to know what it feels like to see my ribs or to see my bones in my hand or arms.
As I mentioned before I have had friends be jealous of my size but I’ve also had people look down on me because I can fit in a small or x-small in clothing. When I go to some stores, or when I am around people in large groups, they will see how small and thin I am and judge. In the summer when I don’t wear as many layers, they can see see the size of my body and judge me based on their first appearance of me. They see some of my bones and give me the judgment face that says, this girl must be starving herself to get into these clothes. They think that because I’m this thin I must have an eating disorder. But that’s not true. I’m just thin.
It took me quite a while to feel comfortable in my own skin. A few years ago, when I was home alone, I took the time to put myself in a bathing suit and forced myself to look at my reflection in the mirror. I looked at my body and I started to say small encouragements to myself. Starting with, “I like that I still fit in this bathing suit and don’t have to spend money on a new one.” A small one but a lighthearted joke that I thought would make me laugh a little. I started from my ankles and worked all my way to top of my head and by the time I was done I was crying. Not necessarily of pain but for thinking that I shouldn’t have allowed people to get in my head and tell me how to treat my body, especially when these were people that don’t even know me.
Although there are times when I don’t feel comfortable or feel depressed about how my body is I remind myself some of the good things I told myself those years ago and try to add to them.