I attended my second Love Island USA watch party last night at my local college bar. The first Sunday I attended, I didn’t entirely see the hype. It was a good excuse to drink cheap Pina Coladas with my sorority sisters and ogle the rock solid abs and bodacious booties. I won’t lie, I was impressed. But beyond that, I left feeling like the show was okay at best. Fast forward to last night, I came back for the Heart Rate Challenge, and I think my life will never be the same.
The couples had one job: put on a show hot enough to spike heart rates across the villa, and they did not disappoint. I found myself hootin’ and hollerin’ like a football fan at the Super Bowl. It felt like the closest anyone could get to putting pornography on television: People were making out left and right, dry humping like their lives depended on it, and if you were wondering, yes, toes were sucked.
Going to bed last night felt like a challenge in itself. How do I fall asleep when Huda’s bum is bouncing up and down on a nonstop loop in my mind? I deserve financial compensation for the distraction that episode will cause for the rest of my life. Don’t let me on the roads — if I start thinking about cowboy Nic, I’m liable to crash into a tree. To finally get these hotties out of my head, I had to rank them.
So here are the Love Island USA Heart Rate Challenge couple dances, ranked from least to most drool-worthy.
- Clarke and Taylor
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Best costumes of the night, no doubt. When Megan Thee Stallion started playing, I was bracing for booty, but instead we got teasing. Cute, but they were last in the lineup and last in the rankings.
- Iris and TJ
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Iris committed to the dog bit a little too well… so much licking. They were both sexy, there’s no doubt about that, but I left wanting more. I felt like they were the warm-up for everyone else.
- Olandria and Elan
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They might not be a couple, but they showed out. Olandria? She’s not to be played with. When Bryan’s nose ended up in her actual butt crack, I lost it. And then, they pulled their exes on stage! The drama was delicious, bold, and petty. I loved every second of it.
- Andreina and Bryan
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These two made hearts take flight. They weren’t exactly the best dancers, but Andreina’s booty alone carried the performance. Megan Thee Stallion knew exactly what she was doing when she introduced her to the group. Iconic cheeks. Period.
- Austin and Jayden
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These two brought a lot of energy. Jayden was pulling out acrobatics, and Austin was capitalizing on the silly. This one made me giggle, but when Austin scooped up Olandria like she weighed nothing, I was sat. Was it chaotic? Yes. Was it hot? Absolutely.
- Amaya and Zak
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I knew we were in for it between the crawling and reverse cowgirl in the first ten seconds. Amaya was the first of the night to make out with Cierra, and many followed her lead. She was hitting everyone with dance moves and one-liners, while Zak was straight-up sensual. Loved these two, they were the first stand-out couple of the night.
- Gracyn and Pepe
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Let’s be honest, this was Pepe’s performance. He looked like Rhysand from ACOTAR, and if you know me, that’s an immediate win. The way he straddled Cierra for that kiss had me packing my bags to move to the Night Court. Gracyn who? Give this man a solo next time.
- Huda and Chris
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Huda isn’t beating those midnight ballerina allegations, and frankly, I hope she never does. I’d pay good money to see Mamacita do that handstand move in real life. She’s got movement no one else could replicate. Straight. Water.
- Cierra and Nic
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We knew this would be good, but oh my God. They kicked off by making out with Iris… her top and bottom half, then switched. When Nic stuck his fingers in Huda’s mouth, I spat my drink out. Cierra had top-tier dance moves. It was no surprise to me that everyone wanted to make out with her that night. I think everyone knew they won the challenge when Nic started sucking Olandria’s toes. Game over.
- Chelley and Ace
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They didn’t win the heart rate challenge, but they were definitely the hottest. Chelley was macking on everyone, and her swerve from Nic to Cierra had me jumping up and down. And Ace? He was not joking when he said he would make your bed rock. Then they both made out with Amaya at the same time. I was jaw-on-the-floor, drink-spraying, screaming. No notes. Showstoppers.
Needless to say, this challenge has locked me in life. Catch me tuning in every night like it’s church. And honestly? If the cast doesn’t take these routines on a Magic Mike-style arena tour after the show ends, I’ll riot.