TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION
It is hard
to want to breathe
when you don’t
want to live.
It is hard
to keep filling
your lungs
when it feels
easier to just stop.
Everyone around me
says,
“One day at a time”
but
one day is
followed by another
and then another
and then
it’s been
a month
and then
it’s been
twelve
and
I have another
birthday and
they say
“look,
you made it
another year!
See, you can
do it.”
Yet,
I am not really
making it,
I am simply
breathing.
It is all
numb,
it is all gray.
I might be
alive but
the world is
dead around me
and
I am only
doing the
motions of living.
Training myself
to smile,
training myself
to seem full of
life
though
my existence is
only for them
because I don’t
want it.
Yet,
I am still inhaling
in through my nose
and exhaling
out through my mouth
telling myself,
you should still
be here,
you should still
want to be surviving.
You should still
be taking it
in small strides
like everyone
is already
telling you.
And I won’t
stop breathing
because
I can see
the fear
in their eyes
at the thought
that I might.
And
I couldn’t leave
them here,
because I
know they are
scared too
and I know
they are tired too
so,
I breathe.
In & out.
Breathe.
In & out.
Another Breath.
In & out.