Being book smart can take you far, but knowing how to understand yourself and others can take you even further.
What do we actually mean when we call someone smart? Typically, we think of someone who gets good grades, comprehends difficult subjects, retains information easily or attends a prestigious school. But what does intelligence mean when you can understand a textbook but not the person sitting next to you?
People often overlook emotional intelligence, especially when we think too narrowly about traditional forms of intelligence, like IQ scores. The prioritization of academic measures of intelligence is so normalized that you may not even know that an emotional quotient, also known as “EQ”, exists.
Empathy and sympathy fall under this broader umbrella of emotional intelligence because both involve recognizing or responding to another person’s emotional state. Empathy allows us to understand another person’s perspective, while sympathy involves feeling concern for someone who is experiencing something difficult.
However, empathy does not mean agreeing with everyone or excusing someone’s actions. You can understand a person’s background or why they feel a certain way while still recognizing that their behavior is unacceptable. Understanding someone does not require you to excuse their actions, and having empathy does not mean abandoning your own boundaries.
when did caring become a weakness?
As a society, we have become increasingly desensitized to emotions and, at times, have treated emotional intelligence as something embarrassing or unnecessary. According to Kinetic, a study of 28,000 people across 16 countries found a significant decline in EQ skills, including the ability to recognize, manage and understand emotions in ourselves and others.
On social media, openly expressing emotions such as sadness or frustration can result in someone being labeled as too sensitive. Similarly, “caring too much” about other people or situations is often portrayed as a weakness that stems from one being naïve, overly emotional or emotionally vulnerable.
When did being able to care about other people become something that we are expected to hide?
Is social media making us less empathetic?
Online media has also contributed to the ways in which many individuals interact with and process emotions. According to research published by Springer Nature, one study found that problematic or excessive social media use was associated with lower levels of empathy among adolescents. This study also found that adolescents with poorer emotional regulation skills were more likely to engage in problematic social media use (PMSU). Furthermore, emotional suppression, the tendency to hide or hold back emotions, was positively associated with social media addiction.
In contrast, cognitive reappraisal, which involves changing how somebody interprets a given situation in order to alter its emotional impact, was negatively associated with social media addiction. This finding suggests that the way we manage and interpret our emotions may influence both our relationship with social media and how we connect with others.
being academically smart is not enough
Imagine two people: One has perfect grades, excels academically, and is dedicated to their work, but they lack self-awareness, emotional regulation and consideration for others. The second person may be average academically but listens well, communicates effectively, recognizes their emotions and connects with people easily. Which person would you rather have in your circle?
Academic intelligence certainly matters, but emotional intelligence is just as important because our ability to understand and navigate emotions affects our relationships, education, careers and everyday interactions. No matter how intelligent someone is academically, they will still have to communicate with professors, coworkers, clients, partners, friends, family members and strangers. Emotional intelligence is what helps us navigate those relationships rather than simply processing information.
so, how do we become more emotionally intelligent?
Improving emotional intelligence starts with becoming willing to look inward and recognize the ways in which our emotions influence our behavior. Here are a few ways to start:
- Ask for honest feedback. Ask trusted friends or family members what you could improve about your communication, reactions or emotional regulation. Being willing to hear criticism can be uncomfortable, but self-awareness requires vulnerability.
- Name your emotions. Try saying “I feel…” instead of “I am…” For example, saying “I feel frustrated” separates the emotion from your identity and can make it easier to understand what you are actually experiencing.
- Practice self-awareness. Ask yourself why you react the way you do. Where does the emotion come from? Are you responding to what is happening now, or is something from your past influencing your reaction?
- Learn to self-regulate. You don’t have to suppress your emotions, but you also don’t have to let them control your behavior. Allow yourself to feel the emotion, then find a healthy way to process it, whether that’s taking a break, journaling, talking to someone or giving yourself time to calm down.
- Keep learning. Emotional intelligence is a skill that can continue to develop. Read research, listen to podcasts and explore resources that can help you better understand yourself, your emotions and the people around you.
maybe we need to rethink what “smart” means
We spend years learning how to become academically successful, but far less time learning how to build healthy connections with the people around us. A high GPA can demonstrate that someone knows how to succeed in a classroom, but it cannot tell us whether they know how to listen, communicate, apologize, show compassion or understand another person’s perspective.
We should not have to choose between being smart and being empathetic. Being able to understand people is its own form of intelligence, and it deserves to be recognized.