(but wouldn’t actually listen to)
If I actually wanted to do this, I’d have to go in with a bunch of weapons, because chances are, she would inflict severe harm upon me. My younger self had really different ideas of what I’d turn into as an adult, and all of them included the words- independent, resilient, self-reflective, academic, dutiful, studious, you get the point. Looking back, these principles I made for myself are actually one of the few things that kept me grounded to my true self.
The thought of returning to my younger self makes me think, “I should go and tell her what to do, so she wouldn’t make the same mistakes in the future”, but that’s pretty cliche, and could actually backfire. Ever seen those movies where the main character goes to the past to warn himself about some future disaster, but ends up being the reason that disaster happens in the first place? Spoiler, I’m about to do the same thing.
Honestly, I have nothing to warn my younger self about, except for my current life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes that brought me to who I am right now, and most of them happened because I refused to stand by my own ideals. This is something younger me actually predicted, and even tried to avoid. But it happened anyway. I turned into what I dreaded. Even if I went back and told her how we actually turned out, she’d probably just deny it anyway. So advice isn’t something I’d want to give her- it’s something I’d want to give myself.
So instead of going back to give her advice on what to do and what not to do, I’d actually want to tell her one thing: ‘Don’t listen to anyone’. Not friends, not people’s expectations, not the version of ‘growing up’ that everyone around her keeps trying to sell her on. I’d want her to be the one talking, telling me what to do and what not to, what to believe, which people to keep close, and who I truly am. I think when we’re kids, we’re the rawest, most unfiltered versions of ourselves, until things like friends, societal norms and expectations come in and slowly distort who we actually are.
I’d tell her to convince me not to overthink everything, to just let things go, and to stop letting people’s opinions decide who I am. I feel like the younger version of me is someone I really respect- for her wittiness, her genuineness, and her ability to feel and express things strongly, which is something I’ve slowly killed off in myself over time.
But here’s the thing- even if I warned her, told her exactly who she’d become, and told her not to listen to anyone, I don’t think she’d actually listen to me either. That’s the irony of it. I’d be asking her not to listen to people, while being just another person telling her what to do. She’d probably nod along, say she gets it, and then let the same people, the same comments, the same quiet pressure to fit in, slowly talk her out of herself anyway. Because apparently that’s not something you can warn someone out of. You have to lose yourself first to even understand what you lost.