I have to admit I’m a sucker for a good reality dating show — and I know I’m not the only one. There’s something so satisfying about being able to tune out of your own love life and indulge in the drama on the screen once and awhile. But with what seems to be an increasing amount of reality shows featuring real-life couples, it’s had me thinking: why on earth would anyone subject their already rocky relationship to the emotional chaos of reality TV? Because, trust me — it’s the last thing they need.
If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of real-life couples on reality dating shows, allow me to enlighten you. Shows like Temptation Island and The Ultimatum bring existing couples to put their relationship to the test — such as by introducing them to hot singles, encouraging them to connect (physically!) with other people outside of the relationship, and forcing them to reflect on their own personal issues. The goal is to come out of the show as a stronger couple. Not surprisingly, very few of these couples actually make it out of the show together — despite having very real, and very solvable relationship issues.
Of course, it’s natural to seek solutions to problems you and your partner are having — whether that be couples therapy, spending more time together, or even spending some time apart. But honestly? The last place you want to look is on a reality TV show, says Ilana Grines, licensed marriage and sex therapist at Daily Therapy Dose. “These shows are fascinating to watch for a reason,” she says. “They intentionally take couples who are already struggling and drop them into an environment that is specifically designed to maximize temptation, jealousy, and emotional reactivity/emotional turmoil.”
It’s essentially like pouring gasoline on a small fire and then being surprised when it turns into an inferno.
The couples on these shows are often facing relatable problems to their viewers, such as a lack of communication, trust issues, and feeling unseen or unheard by their partner. However, instead of creating a space for open and honest healing, they’re plopped in an environment that amplifies conflict, insecurity, and separation. (Sound like a mess yet?) Not to mention — this is all on TV!
In Temptation Island, you’re completely separated from your partner, constantly worrying about whether or not they’re cheating on you (and most of the time, they are). They show you out-of-context clips of your partner in the villa in an attempt to stir up drama and get a reaction out of you for entertainment.
In all honesty, it sounds like my personal hell. The women are almost always on the verge of a mental breakdown, while the men are completely oblivious on the other side — basically having an ego battle with themselves and fully cheating on their partners. The only sane person in the place is the host, Mark, at this point.
The Ultimatum, on the other hand, brings couples that aren’t on the same page — where one is ready for marriage, and the other isn’t. They bring them on the show so that they can explore connections with other people and ultimately decide if they want to stay with their partner, leave with someone new, or go home single. Much like Temptation Island, The Ultimatum takes very vulnerable and fragile people and exploits them for entertainment.
It’s essentially like pouring gasoline on a small fire and then being surprised when it turns into an inferno.
Almost every couple that ends up on these shows goes home heartbroken because they’re not designed to actually fix anything in the relationship — only destroy them for entertainment.
Personally, I think there are many better alternatives to addressing problems in your relationship — the most notable being couples therapy. And, sure, while shows like Temptation Island and The Ultimatum give contestants physical space away from their partner, they don’t give any sort of emotional space. I mean, the whole experience is rooted in the stability of your relationship. If anything, it seems like it’d be way more suffocating than simply sitting down and having those tough conversations, creating your relationship issues in the first place.
Think about it this way: contestants are in a high-stress, artificial environment that is designed to cut them off from their support systems and maximize conflict. Almost every couple that ends up on these shows goes home heartbroken because they’re not designed to actually fix anything in the relationship — only destroy them for entertainment.
These shows weaponize jealousy and insecurity by forcing couples to go on dates with other people, separating them from their partners, and encouraging them to spiral — all in an environment that accentuates escalated feelings.
For example, producers often create scenarios that exploit contestants’ vulnerabilities — such as how Temptation Island has a red alarm that goes off anytime someone from the other villa (the other partner’s group) cheats on them. This leaves them with more questions than answers. And on top of that, they encourage the use of alcohol and partying (like, talk about a recipe for disaster). They’re also usually sleep-deprived, which, of course, increases emotional volatility.
These shows weaponize jealousy and insecurity by forcing couples to go on dates with other people, separating them from their partners, and encouraging them to spiral — all in an environment that accentuates escalated feelings. “Recognizing a problem in a relationship doesn’t mean the solution is cameras and contestants,” says Grines. “It should mean therapy and communication.”
These shows are essentially not designed to help anyone, when you think about it. Truly, going on these kinds of shows seems like the worst possible way to “rebuild” a relationship. Of course, that said, many people join these shows for some time in the spotlight — and that’s OK. Get that bag, I guess.
But for the people on reality dating shows who really want to save their relationship, I suggest trying couples therapy — or, honestly, just breaking up.