Life Of A Chronically Ill Girly

Here is a rundown of most days for me: I wake up, usually with a sore throat, and drink two cups of coffee. I go to my class, barely keeping my eyes open. I drink another cup of coffee — it does nothing. By the time the day is over, I have no energy to talk to anyone. I feel dizzy, I feel dissociated, and I just want to go to bed. 

I truly want to be friends with everyone. I want to socialize with people and have the energy to sustain my extroversion. I wish I could stick to plans and not cancel because I am too tired. People probably think I am antisocial. I choose to sit in the back row of my club, not because I don’t like anyone, but because conversation drains me. A lot of the time, by the end of the day, it feels like I ran a marathon.  

I used to be so social and energetic. My health has taken that away from me. Nobody in college understands the true me, because they were never able to see it.

I want the life of a normal college student. I want the capability to express my personality back. I have to constantly watch what I eat, do, and feel. I always have to be listening to my body and trying to make it happy. 

Something is always wrong with me. Ask any of my friends; I am literally always coming down with some new illness or infection. 

It all started when I got mono in 2022. Ever since, I have had autoimmune flare-ups and chronic illnesses consume my days. I hate when people think I am dramatic. Honestly, most of the time, I don’t talk about the extent to which it affects me. People don’t realize how my autoimmune problems and chronic illness change my everyday life. 

I try my best to ignore it — to keep going and push it to the back burner. But when I do that, I reap the consequences. It is so much work to heal the human body. It takes persistence and effort that I simply do not have time for as an employed college student. The worst part is, it is so crucial that I heal myself now before it is too late.

All in all, I have guilt. Guilt that I do not pay attention to and nourish my body the way it needs. Honestly, though, it feels so unfair. Trying to balance my everyday schedule is challenging by itself, let alone solving my chronic health issues along with it.

I’ve tried to get a doctor’s help. They try, but when there is a deep-rooted issue, it is hard to solve it with antibiotics. Every time I go to the doctor, I get prescribed a new pill that acts as a temporary band-aid. But when the bandaid falls off, I end up sicker than I was before.

I’m giving my perspective with hopes that people with chronic illness can relate, and that people without chronic illness can see what it is like, because it is certainly not easy.

I am the girl I’ve always been, I’m just incapable of fully expressing it.

Empathy is so important to have. People are always navigating things you can’t see. So instead of jumping to conclusions, be kind and don’t assume the worst. 

You never know what’s going on behind closed doors.

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