There is something rom-coms don’t prepare you for: the impending doom of setting unrealistic expectations and believing that one day you will receive that same kind of love. I’ve grown up watching so many rom-coms that I can’t even count them on my hands and toes. But there is something endearing about believing that maybe, even for a second, one day I could receive that same love — because someone thought of it, right? I mean, they made an entire film dedicated to love. However, as the years have gone by, I’ve started to hate the fact that I’m stuck in the impending doom of losing something I never truly had in the first place: a situationship.
I hate that word. I don’t even like calling something a “situationship” because, while in his eyes it may have been a situation, for me it was about showing someone my true self, being caring, and endearing in pursuit of a connection. I’ve tried to switch it up to see what everyone likes about this “casual” I like you, but not enough to be in a relationship with you thing. It works for a while, but eventually it hits me that maybe I want more than just a fake boyfriend. For a while, I avoided men altogether because I kept getting ghosted the minute I asked the most feared question ever: “Where is this going?” That question has them running away faster than a Formula One car.
I downloaded dating apps for fun, but it was just annoying to see the same thing happen over and over. I even wrote an article dedicated to my experience on a dating app! Like, why say you want a long-term relationship but still try to hook up with me? Don’t you want to talk about the world? Your favorite football team? Like, what happened to “hello, how are you?” So, I started to hate the idea of a relationship to the point that I was like, okay, I’m officially done.
So you’re just sitting there, waiting for the right person to come up to you and strike up a conversation, because surely they are interested in you if they want to talk? Maybe it will be different this time around. If a dating app dedicated to dating makes you delete it for the wrong reasons, then meeting someone in person can’t go wrong. Boy, was I wrong.
Then it happens! You meet someone in person — and he actually likes talking to you? We didn’t start by asking if we wanted to meet up and make out. Like, we actually talked about our lives? So, you’re sitting there wondering, could this actually lead somewhere? He starts putting effort into hanging out, calling, and actually talking. You start telling your friends, “Guys, no, he’s different, I actually like him.” But then, two months pass, and you find yourself questioning those same words again: “Where is this going?”
Those words scare me now; every time I try to say them, I feel like I’ll lose again. I’ve been so brought down by past connections that I’ve been trying everything to avoid destroying this one. But it was eating me alive. I just wanted reassurance that I wouldn’t be in the same situation again. So I asked. Unlike the others who ran away, he seemed to be slowly walking away instead. But rather than turning away, I walked with him. Because, while he didn’t run, he also didn’t say where we were heading.
So, I walked, walked, and walked. I didn’t question where we were going again, but I hoped we would reach our destination soon. Then, as I pondered, questions began to fill my mind: “Am I not pretty enough? Is there something holding him back? Should I be more spontaneous? Am I enough?” Instead of dwelling in the uncertainty everyone advises me to accept, I chose to ignite those thoughts with a match. I did what I knew best and caused chaos. If he wasn’t going to decide now, then let me decide for him! So, I changed our destination, he continued walking, and I turned away.
I’m still wondering whether my actions or his lack of action caused all of this. Should I even care? I mean, you can’t lose something you never had, right? Because was it ever really real? So I ignored it like I do best and acted like what we had wasn’t real, like I hadn’t spent two months pursuing this connection—because it was never mine to begin with. However, I beg to differ now. Why was I trying to ignore what has been on my mind every day? It was real. It wasn’t something from a book, movie, or song I heard. Although it was never truly mine, it was still something I lost because it was real, and it’s still something that I care about.
I’m exhausted from everyone saying it was just a ‘situationship’ and telling me to get over it! Social media urges you to ignore your feelings, be petty, be mean, or make him regret his decision. But I can’t do that because I don’t see how you could. It’s okay to do whatever it takes to seek a connection — there’s nothing wrong with that. And sometimes, in the midst of that connection, you can still lose something you never had.