On March 26, the internet was set ablaze after the messy kissing drama between The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives stars Jessi Draper and Chase McWhorter went viral. And while this left fans confused, shocked, and even disappointed, it also had them feeling for Draper’s friend, McWhorter’s ex, and fellow SLOMW star Miranda Hope, who said that the drama left her feeling “slighted,” and cited the age-old concept of “girl code.”
In Hope’s statement to Entertainment Weekly confirming the kiss, she detailed her disappointment not only in her ex, but also in her friend and castmate. “Although I do feel disrespected by Chase, I feel slighted by my friend,” she said in part. “Chase and I are no longer partners, and while I have high expectations of him as a co-parent, I also hold my friends to a high standard and believe in girl code.”
Now, when it comes to girl code, the unwritten rules of loyalty feel like they should be common sense. Do not date a friend’s ex. Do not entertain a “hey, beautiful” DM from your bestie’s partner. It sounds simple, but in the chaotic area of college life, and friendships in general, these boundaries can get blurry fast.
It comes down to being honest, loyal, and respectful.
Meghan, 21
Loyalty is easy when it is performative. It is easy to post a “HBD” story for your girl, but it is much harder to shut down a flirtatious comment from her ex when you know she might never find out. To see where students actually stand on the invisible side of girl code, I reached out to Gen Z women to see what girl code means to them.Â
For Meghan, a 21-year-old student at St. Bonaventure University, girl code is a matter of basic character. “[It’s] just being a respectful and dependable friend,” she says. “I would not expect everyone to be loyal to the point that girl code implies, but I would draw the line at one of my good friends talking about me behind my back or befriending someone who I have beef with. It comes down to being honest, loyal, and respectful.”
Girl code does not mean you have to always agree with your friends, but it is more about just staying loyal — especially in spaces where things can go wrong or be unsafe, such as a club or bar.
Caitlyn, 21
For many, girl code is not just a suggestion. It is code that is lived by. Caitlyn, a 21-year-old at the University of Central Florida, defines it as always putting your “girls” above anyone who isn’t family. “It is all about prioritizing, usually, your best friend or just your friends over other factors such as men,” she explains. “Girl code does not mean you have to always agree with your friends, but it is more about just staying loyal — especially in spaces where things can go wrong or be unsafe, such as a club or bar.”
And violating girl code? For some Gen Z women, it means cutting a friend out for good. For instance, Caitlyn recently ended a friendship with a girl who consistently put dating app matches and new social circles above their decade-long bond. It was not the first time a friend had ever made me feel less than, but coming from my ‘best friend,’ it nearly killed me.”
To me, girl code is not the same as “friend code.” But it is the grounding agreement I have to keep other women safe and respected, the same way I hope someone would do for me.
Ginger, 23
Ginger, 23, says that her own experiences have taught her just how dangerous it is when that agreement is ignored. “Absolutely, I have [had a friend break the code],” she shares. “I went out with a friend, and she ditched me at a bar to go home with a hookup. I was drunk and scared, and there were no Ubers available. It felt especially heinous because she had previously told me about how hurt she was when her roommates ditched her at a bar. I have never trusted her since.”
While some stories show the pain of a broken bond, others see girl code as a broader commitment to all women, regardless of how close you are. For instance, Ginger views girl code as a “grounding agreement” to keep other women safe and respected. “It is the reason I buy an Uber for any woman I find crying in a bar,” she explains. “To me, girl code is not the same as ‘friend code.’ But it is the grounding agreement I have to keep other women safe and respected, the same way I hope someone would do for me.”
Girl code to me is a standard that all of your girl friends that you confide in should follow without a reminder.
Jamisen, 21
Similarly, 21-year-old Hampton University student Jamisen says that girl code is about — plain and simple — being a good friend. “Girl code to me is a standard that all of your girl friends that you confide in should follow without a reminder,” she says. “It’s when you know to never gossip about your friend to others, or whenever there’s an issue, you immediately bring it up to that person. It’s about being there for your friend when they’re down.” Â
Ultimately, girl code is not a set of rules meant to guide your dating life: It is a reflection of your respect for your friends and the community of women around you. Girl code is about protecting the women who are around you and protecting yourself, because, at the end of the day, romantic interests come and go — but friends are the ones who stay.