Have you ever encountered a friend who makes unhealthy choices that may harm themselves or others? Do you care about your friend and want to stick with them during these challenging times? Even when you try to talk to them about their actions and behaviors, do they never change?
When deciding whether to cut someone off, it’s essential to step back and ask yourself: why?
I had a friend, and for the sake of this article, let’s call him James. He was kind, caring, and sweet when it was just the two of us, but when he was around people he wanted to “perform” for, everything changed. He would switch into a completely different person. I felt a strong connection, but didn’t want to continue if he was hurting himself and others. It was challenging to see a friend fall down a dark path. I tried to support him and guide him in the right direction. After months and months of no improvement, I started to feel a separation in our friendship. James created this fake identity for himself. It felt like, one second, he was worried about himself, his health, and how he was perceived. The next second, he had a complex, using substances that made him feel like he was on top of the world, and putting others down. I decided I needed to make a change. I’ve been starting to distance myself from him slowly. It was hurting me to see him hiding his true self from his peers by destroying his emotional state. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just a changed one, all because of the environment he put himself in. After nights out, James would talk to me or call me to chat about how his decisions made him feel. I felt like a crutch for him, and the calls were constant. I didn’t understand how to help anymore because he wasn’t taking any of my advice. It seemed to me that he didn’t want the help he was asking me for.
In reflecting, I have realized my “why” for taking a step back from this friendship.
So, when is it okay to take a step back?
If someone is deeply struggling and needs your help, please reach out to healthcare professionals or another trusted person. If it is a toxic friendship affecting you and others, then that is a mental battle you have to decide for yourself. Talking to other friends/family, or perhaps terminating the friendship, may be the best option for your own well-being. It may hurt to end a friendship that felt really great at the time, but it’s optimal to dig deep into your conscience to understand whether you are better off without this person. When this person digs themselves into a hole, they create confusion. They don’t know they need help and may not see the damage they are causing because of the numbing effects of substances, friends, or popularity. They won’t show their true selves out of shame, so they conceal their emotions and push them down. The feelings can create a false image and an ego, leading to a sense of not knowing who they are as a person. You may even feel like you lost them, even though they weren’t actually gone.
Acknowledging the Harm
Now, there may be an instance in which this friend knows the harm they are causing to themselves or others. This is a good time to chat with them and ask if they are aware of their behavior and why they may be choosing to act this way. If they are aware of the harm they are causing and there is a manipulative agenda behind it, that could be a telling factor and a red flag. When red flags are waving, that’s a sign that the most responsible thing you can do in that moment is step back. When this person doesn’t want the help you are offering, they might not change. You don’t want to put energy into something that may start draining you from of the advice you give.
Now, if this friend doesn’t know why they have changed or are acting like this, you can decide if you want to stay to try to help them. If they are willing to take your advice, you determine whether it’s worth supporting this person in breaking their unhealthy patterns.
Steps to take in making your decision:
- Analyze your friend’s situation
- Is this person hurting others or themselves?
- Are there other friends people influencing their behaviors?
- Can/will they easily leave the situation/will they willingly leave?
- Is there anything you can do to help?
- Talk to your friend & hear them out
- Are they willing to have a mature conversation with you about the issues that come up?
- Do they recognize that what they are doing is harmful?
- Do they want your help?
- Make your decision
- Are you willing to help them?
- Based on the information you gathered from the previous steps, do you have the mental time or energy to continue sticking by this friend and helping them through these problems?
- Does this friend care about you as much as you do for them?
- Would you be happier and healthier without this relationship in your life?
Letting go of a friend is challenging, but if you feel it is right, it could be for the better. I do care about my friends, and it truly pains me to see them put themselves in bad situations or performing for others because they feel like it’s their only option. If, at the end of the day, your friends decide not to change, that decision is entirely up to them. It has nothing to do with you.
At the same time, you are changing; they can choose whether to grow with you or be left behind. It’s truly a decision YOU have to make. Reach out to friends, ask for advice, and don’t be scared to put yourself first. This decision is rightfully yours.
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