As I’m writing this, I’m this close to bashing my head into my laptop.
Between enduring the hellish endeavor of finding second year housing in IV to stressing over midterms on a biweekly basis: college hasn’t been like the movies.
THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE I WAS PROMISED
The media has always presented college as four years of straight party and debauchery, à la Springbreakers. A brief vacation where anything goes, before students make their debut as “real adults”.
I spent my entire high school career preparing to enjoy this time as a fruitful reward. Late nights occupied by extracurriculars, homework, and SAT prep would all be worth it because the perfect college experience was just one acceptance letter away. Reality soon humbled me after I received many waitlist offers and rejections from my “dream schools”. My ego endured more bruising with every college portal I opened, leaving me feeling like a good, but not quite good enough student.
But after committing to UCSB, my inferiority complex died down a bit. Soon enough, I’d be hanging out with friends and having fun nonstop.
THE REALITY OF POST GRAD ANXIETY
While I’ve had many carefree days and endless nights since starting college, my post-grad anxieties have been looming ever-present. I, like many college students, am considering going to graduate school or law school in the future.
However, from talking with my parents and researching online, I’ve learned that one of the most important factors for grad school admission is GPA. After learning this, my mind became clouded with worry at the idea of attempting and failing to maintain a 4.0 GPA for another 4 years.
I became paralyzed by the fear of repeating the same mistakes that I made in high school, the choices that made me a “good, but not quite good enough” student. Now was my chance for a do-over, to prove that I was smart enough to get into a prestigious, top school. rate
My obsession with perfection consumed me. During class registration, I scoured Rate My Professor reviews and dissected a schedule that would maximize those easy As. I stressed myself sick when I had even an inkling of a bad feeling after taking an exam.
In the process of molding myself into the perfect grad school candidate, I’d lost myself.
ENDING THE CYCLE
By trying to redeem my high school failures, I repeated the biggest mistake of all. I had begun to lose my spark for learning.
I’ve loved school since I was little, but the repetitive boredom of AP classes and college applications left me feeling burnt out and directionless. I took classes and applied for majors that were practical, but not my passion, and even my life long love of writing couldn’t make college supplementals feel like less of a chore.
So as I sit before the aggressive study session awaiting me, I can’t help but wonder if repeating this cycle is worth it? I mean, if I’m not appreciating the academic freedom I get from college, then have I really learned anything at all? With how competitive academia has become, there’s the chance that I could do everything right and still not be cut out for my dream schools.
CHASING SKILLS, NOT GRADES
In the wake of this revelation, I was still unsure of how to approach my classes. Since middle school, I had always looked at my exams as a way of making strides towards my future goals, with grades being the chief measure of success. So without grades, what metric did I even have to measure my progress? But, when I attended an Arts and Lectures event earlier this week, I was finally able to find some clarity.
After being in a bit of a funk with school, I attended a lecture by Caitlin Dickerson, an award-winning immigration journalist. I had expected the lecture to be full of stuffy, academic discourse, but I was pleasantly surprised. Dickerson’s ability to communicate clearly and tie human stories to statistics left an impression on me long after I’d left Campbell Hall.
All I could think about was how badly I wanted to match Dickerson’s eloquence. I would do anything to be able to break down complex topics so effortlessly, and beyond that, be able to compel an audience to feel.
The impact of her words helped me realize that maybe the true test of success isn’t an exam score or a school’s name prestige, but rather the skills that are born and built over time. Yes, writing multiple essays in a 50 minute period during midterms season does suck, but it’s an opportunity to learn how to write on deadline. Learning a foreign language is a slow and arduous process, but the reward of being able to connect across cultures is well worth it.
I’ve now learned to chase competence instead of grades as a means of achieving my goals.
College doesn’t have to be an escape from the realities of adulthood or just another inevitable life milestone. It can be an opportunity to find and develop passions that previously seemed out of reach.
FINAL THOUGHTS
So is grad school still in the cards for me?
Maybe. But not as a way to prove I’m a good enough student, rather, as a way of growing into the person I already am.