The term “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” is used a lot to describe the characteristics of eldest daughters in a household. Although it is not an official diagnosis, here is my take as an eldest daughter, of an eldest daughter, of an eldest daughter.
What it is
Eldest Daughter Syndrome, sometimes called Oldest Sister Syndrome, is a non-clinical term that describes the common psychological, behavioral, and emotional patterns often found in first-born daughters. This is most commonly seen in certain cultures and among larger families. While each case is unique, here are some common attributes.
Intense Responsibility
Eldest daughters often feel responsible for the happiness and safety of their family members. They may have become a “third parent” or “parentified” at some point in their life, leading to feelings of responsibility over their younger siblings. They may also have a habit of playing mediator or conflict resolver in any conflicts that occur within the family, involving both parents and siblings. Mediating and conflict-solving can be a negative role and lead to lower energy in day-to-day life.
Perfectionism and Overachieving
Eldest daughters are often labeled as perfectionists or overachievers from a young age. This can occur in any setting, such as within the home with household responsibilities, at work with different tasks, at school with assignments and projects, or in life in general. This, and their type-A personality trait, is often due to taking on intense responsibilities and nurturing roles over their younger siblings from a young age.
People Pleasing
Eldest daughters have a habit of changing themselves to please others. They bend over backwards to meet expectations and have a very hard time saying “no.” They may have trouble expressing their likes or dislikes because they are scared that others won’t like them if they express their needs.
Hyper-independence
Eldest daughters tend to prioritize others’ needs over their own and become self-reliant. To them, by doing everything themselves, they ensure things are done the “right” way to avoid any anxiety. However, this can cause feelings of weakness (when they do need to ask for help), trust issues, and even feeling “lost” in who they really are.
Stress and Anxiety
All the symptoms listed above have a big effect on stress and anxiety, which leads to problems with day-to-day functions. The responsibilities inflicted on them can become heavy and cause anxiety and a constant sense of worrying, even when they are not home, as they are not able to mediate or care for anything or anyone if they are not there. Feeling the need to be perfect and please everybody can become lonely, as they may only trust themselves.
How to treat it
Set Boundaries
Recognize that boundaries are not requests but actions you take to protect your peace and energy. Practice saying “no” to extra responsibilities and communicating these limits clearly, and the breath of fresh air that follows will be worth it.
Practice Self-Care
The best way to start is to sit down and find/reclaim your needs. Remember the things that you love to do, and do them without any guilt. Find the time for “me time” to reconnect with yourself and who you are. Self-care can include taking a long shower, going to the gym, reading, journaling, or participating in any other hobbies that make you happy.
Let Go of Perfectionism
As an eldest daughter, I do consider myself a perfectionist, so this one is tough. However, as I have gone through college, I have started to learn that not everything needs to be 100% to my standards because if it was, nothing would ever get done. So, letting go can be challenging at first, but the more you see that things will be ok, even when not to your standards, it will get easier.
Therapy
Therapy can work wonders in many cases. It is the therapist’s job to listen, understand, and give you any tips that could help you implement any of the tips I have included into your life.
Books
While the title of this book seems harsh, self-help books like these can be very helpful. I have this book on my bookshelf and I flip through it sometimes when I’m feeling like I need to. Besides “Calm the F*ck Down,” Sarah Knight wrote many different highly rated books that can be found here!
Final thoughts
Eldest Daughter Syndrome is a real thing for many girls and women around the world. Don’t get me wrong, there is some good to it. We are success-driven, strong leaders, we have nurturing tendencies, and are extremely resilient. This is why you may find many eldest daughters in careers such as teaching and healthcare, or in other leadership roles. We have a predisposition to care for other people and love being in charge. However, it is time to break the generational cycle, reclaim ourselves, and relax.