During my daily scroll on social media, I always seem to run across videos where someone is describing how they have an avoidant attachment style. When I’m lying in bed listening to another person describe their dating life and talk about how it can be hard because of their attachment style, I can’t help but notice the similarities between them and me.
Many of these content creators say it comes from their need for independence and comfort in doing things alone, which I personally relate to deeply. However, that was just my impression from these videos, based on the subtext of these journal-entry-style dating videos that keep appearing on my page. But what actually is an avoidant attachment style, and honestly, what is an attachment style in general?
According to The Cleveland Clinic, attachment styles are the way that you act in relationships, typically stemming from how you interacted with your primary caregivers when you were an infant. The four attachment styles that are accepted by most psychologists are secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Anxious, avoidant and disorganized fall under the umbrella of insecure attachment styles. The goal category to work towards is the secure attachment style.
A secure attachment style is when someone can maintain a healthy relationship because they feel safe to be open and are confident in their relationships. People with anxious attachment are those who struggle with a fear of abandonment and rejection and heavily seek validation from people other than themselves. A disorganized attachment is when someone is inconsistent when they are in relationships; they can sometimes be very clingy, and other times they can push their partner away.
The avoidant attachment style is when a person struggles to build relationships due to a fear of intimacy. People who have this usually feel deeply independent, and when someone tries to get close to them, they feel that it threatens their independence. This can lead to easily dismissing others, trouble trusting others, feeling uncomfortable when someone tries to get closer, commitment issues and avoiding emotional and physical intimacy.
This attachment style can come from things you’ve experienced as a child, but it can also come from things that happened later, such as bad relationships or trauma of some sort. A lot of people with this attachment style tend to pull away from relationships, even if they want a long-term committed partner.
Attachment styles can also be what’s called context-dependent. This is when a person can have a different attachment style depending on the type of relationship. For example, you could have a secure attachment in your close friendships and an avoidant attachment in romantic relationships because the context of those two relationships is different.
The positive thing is that attachment styles are not set in stone, and they are something that can be worked through to get to a secure attachment style. Some ways that can help are being open about having an insecure attachment style and what it looks like for you with yourself and others. You have to acknowledge your feelings to work through them. If you don’t know what you’re trying to fix, you can’t fix it. That is why it is important to be mindful of what actions specifically you need to change.
Another tip that is recommended by psychologists is to surround yourself with people who have a secure attachment style. With that being said, it is very important that you’re still working on yourself even if your friends or romantic partner has a secure attachment style.
I speak for myself as well when I say this. If you’re someone who thinks that they have an avoidant attachment style, it’s okay, and you’re definitely not alone in that. Your independence is good, but it is so important to have a human connection, and that isn’t a threat to your independence, even if your brain is telling you it is.
