Most of us learn about Pavlov’s classical conditioning in a psychology class: a dog hears a bell, receives food, and eventually starts drooling at just the bell. It’s a simple but powerful illustration of how repeated associations shape behaviour. But what we don’t always acknowledge is how often those same mechanisms show up quietly in our own college lives, especially in the way we respond to people.
College is filled with subtle cues that train our minds more than we recognise. The familiar “ding” of a notification once meant a fun text from a friend; now it sparks anxiety because it might be a Canvas alert or a professor emailing about a deadline. The library is supposed to be a big productivity zone, but honestly, it can just feel stressful (mostly because it’s where half of our all-nighters have taken place). Even the colour red on a laptop screen has become something we flinch at after years of associating it with urgent submissions and overdue tasks. These reactions aren’t random; they’re learnt.
However, classical conditioning becomes even more revealing when we examine our relationships closely. Somewhere during our years on campus, many of us end up conditioning ourselves to tolerate people we don’t genuinely feel comfortable around.
It often happens slowly, almost imperceptibly. A classmate asks for your notes “just this once”. A friend only reaches out when they need emotional support. A roommate repeatedly being messy or leaving dirty dishes in the sink for too long. Each moment seems manageable on its own, and the easiest response feels like letting it go. But with repetition, a pattern forms.
According to Pavlovian principles, when a neutral stimulus is repeatedly paired with a certain response, the response becomes automatic. In social terms:
Their inconsiderate behaviour + your repeated tolerance = your conditioned acceptance.
We train ourselves to believe that enduring discomfort is the price of maintaining harmony. We learn that setting boundaries might threaten a friendship, so avoiding conflict seems safer. Slowly, we become accustomed to giving more than we receive. And the longer we repeat these responses, the harder it is to unlearn them.
College makes this even worse because friendships feel so delicate. You put in so much effort to build a group that you start worrying about losing it, so you stick around even when the vibe isn’t good for you. After a while, “familiar” starts feeling like “comfortable”, even when it’s actually not, so we convince ourselves that being the reliable one, the available one, or the forgiving one is simply part of being a “good friend”.
Yet classical conditioning also teaches us something hopeful: learnt responses can change. Pavlov demonstrated that when the pattern breaks, the reaction eventually fades. Likewise, we can unteach ourselves the habit of over-tolerating. It begins with small, deliberate choices—saying no without guilt, recognising when someone’s presence consistently exhausts you, and allowing yourself to step back from relationships that no longer support your well-being.
College may shape us, but we don’t have to let unhealthy patterns define us. Understanding how conditioning works gives us the power to interrupt it.
Because ultimately, you deserve friendships built on mutual respect, not ones you’ve been trained to endure. So, learn to stand up for yourself and end the cycle before the cycle ends you.