No one talks about grief, and I understand why: it’s a complex and uncomfortable issue. Nonetheless, grief is inevitable. Therefore, we need to become comfortable with it. The only way we can do so is to talk about it: what it is, when we’re the most prone to getting wrapped up in its unwanted embrace, how to cope with it, and why it’s important to acknowledge.
What is grief?
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) defines grief as “a response to loss, which can be caused by many things.” What grief isn’t is another synonym for sadness. Grief encompasses various emotions. The American Psychological Association adds in their definition of grief, “[grief] includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.”
Additionally, many believe grief and mourning are the same thing. They aren’t, but they’re interwined. Grief is the internal feeling you have; mourning is the outward expression of your grief.
When are we most prone to grief?
Grief does not only accompany the loss of a loved one. This idea is one of the biggest misconceptions about this subject matter, and the most harmful.
Many things warrant grief. For example, grief can follow after the loss of a sentimental item, when we have to make changes to our daily routine, or simply after getting a haircut. Essentially, we grieve about more than we think.
When we packed our bags and drove, or flew, to college, we grieved and mourned our hometowns, whether consciously or unconsciously. (I’m aware some people hated their hometowns, but you can still hate something and grieve it.) We had to face the facts: our environments were drastically changing, and we were leaving our familiar lives behind. And with change comes loss, with loss comes grief.
We take it all the way back to high school graduation, or the end of our friendships, or relationships. We don’t grieve or mourn anything tangible most of the time; we were grieving memories, feelings, and circumstances. It’s heart-wrenching because even if we wanted to change things, we couldn’t.
The holidays are a common period to experience grief. When we think of the holiday season, we think of spending time with our loved ones. However, most of us will be away from our families for the first time during a major holiday, Thanksgiving (I’m talking to you, fellow freshmen). Others don’t have the best relationship or a strong connection with their families, and despite loving the holiday season, they hate the “holidays are best spent with family” propaganda.
In these transition years, from young adult to adult, it’s normal to be away from family, and it’s okay to have a faulty relationship with family. After all, everything in our lives is constantly changing—like Heraclitus said, “The only constant in life is change.” However, there is an upside to change and grief.
why is grief important?
You learn more about yourself when you experience grief. You learn the true value of what you lost. You learn to stop taking things for granted. You learn what coping mechanisms help you.
When you feel, whatever it may be, love, sadness, grief, you are exercising what it means to be human: to feel and be cognizant of your feelings.
how do i cope with grief?
There’s no right way to grieve or mourn; there’s no right way to feel. However, one thing to avoid is intellectualizing your emotions. Let yourself feel deeply and thoroughly. You can try to focus solely on logic and reasoning to avoid confronting your emotions, but the crash that’ll occur because you’re bottling up or pushing down grief will hurt you much more than if you confront your grief head-on.
One coping strategy is to be patient with yourself. Do not be ashamed to feel; it’s a significant part of being human. If we couldn’t feel, we wouldn’t be able to connect with others. And because we can feel, the opportunity to connect with others is always available. Do not be ashamed of how long you’ve experienced grief. Sticking to a routine and practicing self-care are also helpful ways to cope.
Sticking to a routine aids someone in establishing control over their life. It may feel like your emotions are in the driver’s seat, and you’re just along for the ride, but you have a say in how you react to your emotions. Practicing self-care is a way to react to your emotions. Journal, buy yourself flowers, walk around a farmer’s market, make some popcorn, watch a movie, or take a bath.
One final tip is to reach out to people: your friends, family, or mental health professionals. Talking about your emotions can help you understand them and take some weight off your shoulders.
UCSB has a great resource, CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services), that you can take advantage of if you are experiencing grief or sadness.
Grief is a scary thing, but instead of avoiding talking about grief, we should encourage more conversations about it to equip people with the knowledge of how to cope with this inevitable emotion.