The last time you found yourself face-to-face with a problem, did you react based on how you truly felt, or the way everyone would expect you to?
By the time we reach our early 20s, we are eager to develop an understanding of what it means to be “me”. Most of us can agree that during this time, we often ask ourselves how our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours fit in with others, and what about those makes us unique. Once we understand this, we can say we know who we are. By that claim, our actions would then be an outcome of us being our best, authentic selves. But is this truly the case in every aspect of life? Sure, you may dress, speak, and act authentically, but do you respond to conflict authentically too? Consider the last time you came face-to-face with a problem. How did you react? Authenticity should not be limited to just how we dress, talk, or express ourselves; it should also be about how we show up for ourselves when things fall apart.
In most cases that I’ve seen, or those that I’ve heard, and experienced myself, the reaction that most people have to conflict tends to match the reaction that they are expected to have. Their reaction to a problem does not reflect and consider all they have already endured, but instead reflects the most popular response to the problem. Let’s look at this from a school perspective. Say you write a midterm and you find out that you’ve failed for the first time since your first year. The most popular response is, as us youngsters would say, to “crash out”. You would instantly be consumed with guilt and grief over your result because you have failed. You might even think about dropping the course, start doubting your own abilities, and fall into this circle of grief over your failure. Now, keep in mind, this is a very acceptable response, but consider the whole picture. This is not your first time failing a midterm; you’ve done so in your first year. This failure is not new, and you have overcome it before. Based on what you’ve endured and conquered, your reflection shouldn’t only consist of grief, but also belief that you can face this problem because you’ve done it before. You shouldn’t find yourself in a cycle of grief, doubt, and rumination over what could have been, but in a stage of planning how you can do better.Â
Let’s try to complicate this a little; say this was your first time ever failing a midterm. Does this permit you to be in a cycle of grief, doubt, and rumination over what could have been? My answer: NO! You still have autonomy here, and you are able to address this problem however you would like to, ideally in the way that aligns with your goals. No one’s goal is to prepare to fail a midterm again, so take a proactive route rather than putting yourself in a problematic cycle of torment over one midterm grade. You’ve managed to avoid failing this entire time, which means time and time again, you have shown that you are capable. So instead of sitting with failure, look forward to the next time you thrive and pass a midterm because you took proactive steps to get there, somewhere you’ve already been before.Â
Being your most authentic self does not mean identifying your goals, values, and intentionally representing those every day. It extends to ensuring you are authentically confronting conflict that arises in your life. Take a moment the next time you come face-to-face with a problem that makes it seem like it’s the end of the world. Have you been through worse and gotten out? If this is the worst thing that you’ve experienced, how will conquering it instill growth in you? And lastly, how can you confront this problem in a way that represents who you truly are?