Content Warning: Medical Experiences
I donât think anyone will tell you itâs easy to fit in as a freshman in college. This is even more true when you havenât had a âstereotypical freshman experience.â From orientation to welcome days to your first time staying in a dorm, there will always be people giving you tips on how to make your four years (give or take) memorable and successful.
For some, the first few weeks are really thrilling, but you’re not alone if they’re not. Among all the cheery and well-meaning advice, thereâs a hidden expectation thatâs put on you as an incoming student, whether itâs intended or not. To thrive. To be well. To succeed.Â
But what if succeeding didnât have to mean making a ton of friends, getting perfect grades, or sticking to a single plan?Â
Societal norms and expectations are huge in college. Despite being a place of incredible diversity, courtesy, and eager individuals, college (and frankly, college marketing) can still feel like an atmosphere of enormous expectation for a young adult learning how to navigate the ‘real world’.
Youâve probably been told to join a club, or book a tutor, or talk to a counselor. These are legitimate resources, but donât get it twisted â even someone who âchecks all the boxes’ can still struggle. And youâre never alone in that.
I may be a freshman this year at St. Bonaventure University, but itâs not my first time at college. Before I came to SBU, I was a full-time student at the University of Hartford in Connecticut for two semesters. I stayed in a dorm, attended freshman orientation, had classes, exams, and midterms.
So why am I still a freshman?
I wonât lie, the reality of it isnât pretty â or even remotely presentable. My first semester at Hartford, I had an awful flareup in many of my chronic illnesses. I was in and out of the hospital for almost a month. The second time, I fell unconscious, hooked up to an EKG in the Intensive Care Unit. Like I said, not pretty â but it’s the reality, and Iâm not going to be ashamed of it.
I laid there in a dark hospital room, machines beeping, when I was supposed to be in class. No parents or friends by my bedside. It felt like a dream. I never expected to end up like this.
After I got out, I needed follow up appointments 9 hours a week. My advisors and I worked hard to make it work, changing around my schedule, getting accommodations, and emailing professors.
It may have looked like I had it all together on the outside, but on the inside, I was exhausted. I knew this wasnât what college was meant to be, and a little over halfway through the semester, I decided to take a step back.
The second semester rolls around and Iâm doing much better. I was managing my health, feeling excited, and even getting better grades too.
But one fateful night in February, my worst nightmare came true.
I had a medical emergency and spent the night in the Emergency Room. I was beyond disappointed in myself, even when I knew I couldnât control what was happening to me. I knew that one more night in the hospital meant leaving school again, and I was right. I went home that weekend.
No matter how much I tried to reason or be rational, I felt like a failure. My whole life I was taught that Iâd graduate high school, go to college, and pop out into the world with a degree four years later. But no matter how hard I tried or how eager I was, my first year at college didnât work out.
And I am here to tell you: thatâs okay.
Going to freshman orientation for the second time was like aggravating a freshly healed wound. It felt strange being the same age as the junior orientation leaders. It felt isolating being told by staff how to make my semester âsuccessfulâ all over again. It was hard being told how excited I should be for freshman year, when I had no idea if I would even make it to finals.
But the more time that goes by, the more my wounds will heal. They may never disappear completely, but they will always be an important part of who I am.
Thereâs no knowing if Iâll âmake it throughâ this year at Bonas. But Iâve found comfort in knowing that I have my own definition of what it means to be successful. It may not look like what so many have expected of me, but I don’t fit into a one-size-fits-all mold. No one does.