I am in the middle of a strange chapter in my life right now. I’m in the middle of my freshman and sophomore years of college. I’m in the middle of figuring out who I want to be, how I want to leave my mark, and where I go from here. The end is nowhere in sight. I feel like I am constantly starting over. Stems are branching out but never growing any leaves. College is one of the first steps students take that shape them into becoming independent young people. The friends from adolescence stay, but from a distance, and suddenly they are expected to build new lives from the ground up. Something I struggle with is watching my friends seemingly craft a fun, adventurous journey for themselves that I’m not a part of. I know they miss me, but how do we control our jealousy? How do we put that energy into making something of our own?
I’m going to go ahead and tell you that I don’t have an answer. Yet. I started at James Madison University last fall as a young 18-year-old woman, fresh out of high school, ready to take the world by storm. However, as the weeks went by, and the weather started getting colder and rainier, I felt so incredibly isolated and locked out of my own life. I had tried to reach out and make connections with my floormates, my roommate (who was not the easiest person to get along with – but that’s a story for a different time), and my classmates. I joined clubs, activities, you name it; I grew exhausted giving myself to people, putting myself out there, just to get nothing in return. Then, at the end of the day, I would crawl into my twin XL, open Snapchat, and watch my best friends have fun with their new best friends. I would think, how lucky they are to get to know these girls like I know them.
Social media while you’re in college feels like a “who’s having more fun” contest. I found myself stalking people from high school I had barely spoken to to see how they were doing, and of course, everyone was doing so much better than I was! Long story short, I roughed out the fall semester, cried silently on the car ride back to Harrisonburg after winter break, withdrew in February of this year, and finally transformed from a Duke into a Golden Ram.
Starting over again makes me nervous, but excited for the new opportunities I have. I wish I was experiencing it with my best friends, though. They’ve always pushed me to be better, and to get out of my shell more, but without them, I don’t have that support or someone to lean on. I have to grow my own garden, and make sure I water it daily. It’s hard to grow more relationships when the ones I have are already perfect. It’s hard to want to grow more. I constantly find myself comparing other people to my best friends, trying to model this new potential friendship after my old ones. If I want to succeed, I need to treat everything as a blank slate and open my mind. I can’t care about how everyone else is doing online. I can’t compare my life to anyone else’s, especially my girls’. My friends will always be there for me, because that’s who they are. They want me to find my people, as do I for them. The jealousy I feel clouds the happiness and love I have for them, because I just want to be by their side through it all. Harsh truth: I can’t. So, I realized I need to slow down, take my time, and find myself in the middle instead of getting lost looking for the end of it all. It takes time to practice, but it’s so important to master.
I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone by joining a sorority, which I never thought I would do. I used to be so against Greek life after watching Alabama “RushTok” and seeing how my own friends navigated the rush process. I wanted to make friends organically, rather than forcing it. However, I was messaged by some incredible girls urging me to think about joining their sisterhood, and I am so glad that I did. I am still new to the entire process (it can be overwhelming), but I’m hoping to find my footing in this new environment. So far, so good.
I also joined Her Campus at West Chester! (You’re reading my first article, yay!) Creative writing and journalism are a passion of mine, and finding like-minded girls who share the same interest is an amazing way to connect with others. Getting the email that I had been accepted as a writer left me sighing with relief.
These are two ways I’ve put myself out there and attempted to water my flowers in this new garden. It’s always difficult to start writing a new chapter in your story. You are not alone. You can always jump back a few and reread, but don’t lose yourself in the past. These new adventures are waiting for you, so I urge you all to jump right in. The water’s fine!