I’ve been in a state of denial most of this school year about being a senior and the fact that I’ll be graduating.
With graduation two weeks away and these upcoming events and moments I’ve thought about and planned for so long, I have been feeling comfort that I still had time until it was upon me. However, finals and the last day of class are sneaking up on me, and with that, my last day of college ever.
I’ve felt a constant weight on my shoulders over the past few months, and I felt confused as to where it’s coming from. But with everything coming to a close, that weight is clearer now more than ever.
I will be done with something I have grown accustomed to in these past four years. I will be home for the summer without the deadline of having to return to Boulder for another year of undergrad. I have to think about things such as getting a “big girl” job, about where I want to live, and who I will surround myself with – a whole new list of opportunities and people. This is something that I have to get used to all over again, but this time, there is no time limit.
Weirdly, the thought of leaving Boulder has made me fall in love with it even more, but maybe I’m just taking everything in and romanticizing how lucky I’ve been to live here and attend CU. This has forced me to take advantage of the things I love doing here, or haven’t done yet, because there’s no better time than now.
While doing this, I still find myself unable to believe the fact that this is it. Something in me still thinks that I have more time here.
It’s hard to think about not being a college student anymore; it’s something I’ve gotten so used to being, and in a way, it was a buffer in my mind to the real world. Thinking about what my life will look like after college feels a lot different than the comfort I had in knowing that there was something after high school. It doesn’t help hearing everyone around me talk about what they have lined up for themselves, too.
I know that this isn’t everyone’s reality, though, and that’s something I have to keep in mind. I have time to figure out what I’m doing, and I’m allowed to give myself a much-needed break after I finish out the school year and graduation. Giving myself this time to reflect and relax will allow me to appreciate how much I have done in these past four years, along with the chance to evaluate what I need moving forward. Uninterrupted time with these thoughts and feelings will also allow me the opportunity to process the end of college and to prepare myself for life in the real world.
All the thoughts I’ve been having are extremely scary and overwhelming. While I know it’s not always healthy to push things off, I think I’m allowed to for these next two weeks. I can allow myself to focus on the present of each day and fully immerse myself in these special moments that will close my chapter in Boulder, and await whatever is next.