At a young age, I learned the word “can’t” in the same breath that I learned the word “can.” I remember being told that I can’t play basketball well, just because I’m a girl. I was told that I was “too slow” to run track by young boys who I could easily beat in a race. I remember being told I couldn’t wear shorts that stopped above my fingertips, a rule enforced on little girls as early as elementary school, sexualizing me in a way that didn’t make any sense to my 9-year-old brain. If it wasn’t outright demeaning comments, then it was subtle remarks of judgement that replaced them, nearly imperceptible but just as harsh. It was the comments “Wow, you’re so well-spoken!” or “I can’t believe you’re in…[this academic program, that sport, etc.],” and the obvious surprise in their voice that introduced me to a newfound doubt in my own abilities. In gymnastics, I remember my coach requesting the help of another coach to spot me on a skill after we had struggled the first time, joking that it was because I was much taller than my teammates. It was the first time I ever considered my height to be a problem, and subsequently I began to wonder if my weight was an issue as well. All these parts of me I had never judged before suddenly became things I would never not critique again.
it starts at birth
Women, since birth, are instructed on what we can and cannot do, how we should and should not act, what to and what not to wear, how we can and cannot express ourselves, and what is and what is not acceptable in the ways that we live our lives. All these voices, all these opinions, all these rules; they became the baseline for the way I valued and carried myself. Without me even realizing it, all these external expectations gradually transformed inward over time. Of course, there’s always going to be judgment from the outside, but that wasn’t the worst part anymore. Because suddenly, one day, I was the loudest person telling myself all the things I wasn’t, and forgetting everything I was.
self-reflection
The past couple of months, I’ve reflected on the changes that I’ve experienced in college, adjusting to the highs and lows of a new environment and redefining the way that I live my life as a growing, newly independent young woman. In my first semester, there were many moments where I struggled with anxiety, stress, and an overwhelming sense of uncertainty. I was overthinking everything that I was doing: Am I doing enough in my academics? Am I not participating in enough clubs? Do I need to be portraying myself in a different way now that I’m in college? Why am I not more comfortable and more adapted to college life? Why does everything feel so difficult? Over and over, again and again.
It wasn’t until months later, during winter break, that I truly noticed how ingrained my behavior had become. I was reflecting on the aspects of college that went well, which I would bring with me into the next semester, and of course, I analyzed the parts that hadn’t been so positive and how I could improve from there. With all the questions I mentioned above continuously cycling around my conscience, I recognized how much I was affected by the extreme stress caused by trying to do well in all my classes, the crippling anxiety of frequently feeling out of place, and the overall exhausting expectation to enjoy my college experience. And then, with a startling and sinking feeling, I realized that most of these negative emotions I had developed over many months were a product of my own criticisms of myself, solely created from what I assumed others would expect of me, whether it was from my family members, peers, or a nameless, faceless “other” I created in my mind to judge me. Even further, I started to recognize a pattern of specific insecurities and other forms of anxiety that structured my life, which came from external judgment that I projected on myself, many of which were recurring for years.
societal reflections
I think there is a lot of pressure put on kids early on, especially in academics or sports or extracurriculars, in the form of competition to outshine their peers. It was an energy that I internalized, and it created a significant amount of misplaced pressure on myself to be perfect in nearly everything I’ve done. As a woman, and as a multi-racial woman, I felt the need to prove that I was worthy enough or smart enough or pretty enough or aesthetic enough, all in order to be respected in any space I was in. As I got older, through middle school, high school, and starting college, that need to prove myself only seemed to amplify as I felt pressured to produce a perfect transcript or outstanding resume. Not only that, I struggled against insecurities heightened by insane beauty standards and expectations put on women, in the way that we should look, act, and dress to better fit the “baddie” aesthetic.
I don’t expect society to immediately change its unrealistic expectations of women, but I appreciate how more women are finding a voice for themselves and spreading that energy on social media. I think movements towards body acceptance, inclusivity, and collective recognition to remove double standards between men and women are so important in regards to women empowerment. Specifically, I have begun to recognize that this topic is not only about uplifting women as a whole, but also uplifting ourselves individually. I’ve always admired the women in my life, who are powerful, hard-working, independent, and beautiful all around; I realized that I must also be able to acknowledge that within myself and accept who I am without judgement. I’ve started to make a conscious effort that every time I speak, or a thought comes to my mind, that aims to critique the way that I am, my next thought is “Are these words meant to help me grow or are they here to break me down?” It has completely changed the way I view myself, and has shown me my own strength as I am actively trying to remove negative self-talk from my daily life. There will always be outside opinions, expectations, and assumptions about what we, as women, should be able to do in our ever changing society. But most importantly, besides all of that, we must choose the ways we want to express, act, dress, and live for ourselves. In the way that we want it to happen, and not because it’s what we think society will expect of us.