I have a confession: I’ve been feeling a little off. With classes back in full swing, working nearly every day, and having a list of issues that I would fail to fit into a single article, my spirits have been dejected. I’ve tried to learn to be more vulnerable with family, friends, and the people closest to me. Writing has always been my outlet to channel said vulnerability, yet that drive to write has popped into my mind lately.Â
I have crippling anxiety, and to say that it affects my life would be a massive understatement. I try to be happy, cheerful, and warm to everyone, but lately, I feel that facade cracking by the day. I try hard daily to keep up and spread happiness to others, but it doesn’t work. I’ve had multiple panic attacks from constantly worrying, whether they are valid worries or not. I know that everyone has anxiety, and everyone feels anxious about a few parts of their life. Still, when it’s constant, aching, painful anxiety, it becomes challenging to manage. It keeps me up until 3 a.m., consumes my every waking moment, and refuses to leave the space it occupies inside my mind. Anxiety is a constant wrecking ball of emotions, and unless you are good at managing it, it becomes inescapable.
Sometimes, I don’t want to leave my room, and I’ve come to terms with it.
Sometimes, I don’t want to show my face to anyone. I want to sit in my room with headphones and stare at the ceiling. I believe that there’s nothing wrong with that. People cope and deal with their anxiety in different ways, and the way I’ve come to terms with my handling of anxiety is no different. Sometimes, I want to do nothing but lie down and stare at the window. Other times, I just want to sit, cry, and let out everything I have been holding. Over time, I’ve become OK with it.
Anxiety is not a fake disorder, and people don’t fake it for attention. It’s a very real, tricky thing to deal with, and it affects way more people than some like to think it does. Ever since I came to terms with my anxiety and started finding methods to manage it, I’ve met so many people who have experienced many of the same things that I have, and even more people who, while they don’t experience anxiety as much, understand its effects on those who do. It is absolutely a real issue, and the complete disregard for mental health from society is an issue that needs to be addressed.
Many people think that anxiety looks the same for every person. The media has made overly dramatic representations of anxiety, and people on social media have decided that anxiety is cool and trendy and it’s OK to say you have anxiety for clicks and views suddenly. For the record, this is entirely false. Every person with anxiety has a different experience, different degrees of anxiety, and even different coping mechanisms to deal with it. I’ve spent years thinking that the way I experienced anxiety made me a freak and that I would never be a “normal” person because of it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “OK.” However, every person with anxiety has to come to terms with their individual experiences, and I have had to come to terms with mine.
Sometimes, I don’t want to leave my room. And I’m OK with that.